Our nanny taught our 10.5 month old son, Levi, how a bird flaps its wings to fly. He’s been walking around the house flapping his arms, and it is the cutest thing, but also makes my heart ache that someone else taught him that.

And when I scroll through my Instagram and see moms talking about how much they love being home all day with their kids and that they’re grateful they made the financial sacrifice of going to one income, that seed of doubt sprouts up about whether we should do that too.

Am I not being the best mom by taking time away from Levi to work?

Should we give up my income and sacrifice our dream of raising our kids on a farm to stay in a subdivision longer or indefinitely?

Is it unbiblical for someone else to “raise” my son while I’m at work?

The company just sees me as a number, and raising my child is more important.

He’ll only be little for a short while - is work really worth it to be away from him?

Am I neglecting my role as a mother?

So many questions down this rabbit hole, and every single one leaves a heaping pile of guilt.

By the way, when I told my husband I was working on a blog post about mom guilt, he didn’t know what that was. I explained it to him and he said he sometimes feels guilt for being away from Levi for work, but it was not as often or intense as I experience. But when I talk to other moms who have a paid job, almost every single one comments about feeling mom guilt.

Note, mom guilt doesn’t only manifest for moms who work. Personally, I feel the mom guilt just as strong when I take time for myself (going to write at a coffee shop, get a haircut, go to the dentist, etc), even if Levi is with his dad. I don’t know what it is, but there is this pressure / expectation that as a mom, I must be the primary caregiver for my child and be with him 24/7.

I’m only a year into motherhood, but here is how I’m working through these feelings of mom guilt.

Know your why

I’m talk about this more in my course for Christian women who work, but knowing why you work helps so much with the mom guilt of being a working mom.

For us, the biggest “why” is that my salary is helping us save to buy a ranch and give our kids a life in the country. Without my salary, it would take us years longer to achieve that dream, and likely on a much smaller scale. It’s a short-term sacrifice for a long-term investment.

And yes, I know our kids are only little for a few years, and some say kids are happier in smaller homes with present parents and less material things, but, I’m grateful that for us, we’re able to work from home, have relatively flexible schedules, and can afford a nanny to come to our home. All of this means that we are able to both work and have a lot of present and intentional time with Levi. We have prayed about this and discussed it often and it is the best choice for our family in this season.

I also enjoy working and my job right now. I find that I am a better wife, mom, and human when I am using the skills, talents and education that God has given me. It’s been a difficult tension to accept but I’m finding I can do go good paid work and still be fully present and joyful in motherhood.

Even if I was not working a full time job, I know I would still be working somehow - it’s just how I am: always learning, dreaming, writing, creating, thinking, and doing. I don’t know any other way to be.

So, if you haven’t yet, take the time to figure out why you’re working and whether that lines up with the big vision for your family. Also, think and pray about where the feelings of guilt are coming from. Is it the Holy Spirit’s conviction? Or is it a personal expectation you put on yourself because that’s what you think you should be doing because that’s what someone else is doing?

The Holy Spirit does convict us when we sin, but He does not lead us into living in guilt.

Let your yes be yes & your no be no

Guilt often stems from comparison or playing the “should” game when we see someone else making different choices than us or someone makes a comment and we think we “should” be doing that too.

For example, you see a mom talking about the fulfillment she finds from quitting her job and staying home with her kids, and all of a sudden, you start being plagued by the guilt that you’re not doing that and questioning if you “should” quit your job to stay at home with your kids too.

Matthew 5:37 says, “Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil.” If you and your husband prayerfully made this decision for you to work and that is the best decision for your family in this season, let your yes be yes.

Once you start adding in “should’s” and doubting your decision, that is from the enemy. Satan wants to plant doubt and discontentment that lead to grumbling and steal your joy.

The Holy Spirit may lead you to reconsider choices you’ve made. There may come a time when the better thing may be for you to take a step back from your career and focus more on your family. It is okay to re-evaluate and change your mind. Just do it out of a place rooted in prayer and what is best for YOUR family, not because you feel pressure from family, society, social media or how other people are choosing to live their lives.

Don’t pick up in doubt what you planted in faith. Learn to discern when it’s the Holy Spirit speaking versus other outside influences.

“Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth; unite my heart to fear your name.” -Psalm 86:11

Be where your feet are

In her research, Laura Vanderkam had women track their time for a couple weeks. Her research found that working moms often spend more quality time with their children than stay at home moms. Since becoming a mom, I get that. Because I know the few hours I have with Levi are precious, so when I’m off work, I try to be present with him fully. Yes, we still have to clean and cook, but we try to do those tasks quickly and more efficiently to maximize family time.

So, if you’re at work, try to be all there, and when you’re with your family, try to table all the distractions, put away the phone, social media and email, and be fully present with them. Because it’s not about just being in the same room with your kids, but actually fully being present and intentional that plants the deepest roots.

It’s cliche because it’s true: the grass is greener where you water it. Keep your gaze on your family, not on someone else’s family. Social media makes this so hard y’all, but do your best to mute and unfollow anything and anyone who casts doubt on the choices you’ve prayerfully made for your family. Comparison and wishing that you were elsewhere will steal your joy every single time.

Lay down the striving & rest in Jesus

You won’t be able to do everything, no matter how hard you try. In my opinion, this is something most working moms struggle to accept as we try to chase work life balance and achieving perfection in every area of our lives. But that expectation is not from God - He is not asking you to do it all and to do it perfectly.

Take your limitations to Him and He will fill the gaps where you cannot. He is our rest, our peace, our strength. As Gloria Furman writes in her book, “Treasuring Christ When Your Hands are Full”:

The Christian mother’s hands are full with every spiritual blessing in Christ (Eph. 1:3) and her work in nurturing children in the fear of the Lord is her privileged participation in Gods work in uniting all things in Jesus (Eph. 1:10). This Jesus, whom we gladly serve, offers rest to mothers and fills our hands with His blessings. Day and night, moment by moment, we must choose to rest in Jesus. That’s what it means to treasure Christ when your hands are full, whether you have one child or a dozen.”

When the anxiety of keeping up with everything gets too much and the mom guilt becomes a burden, the only solution is to come to the feet of Jesus and lay it all down. Carry in prayer all the things on your to-do list and in your mind and ask Him to help you triage what should take priority in this season. And then steward that well, relying on His strength and provision.

You don’t have to do it alone

Ask for help from the people in your life (or pray for God to bring you community if you’re lacking!) - I know it’s hard to give up control and pride often tells us that we as moms must be the ones to do it all.

I have to remind myself that love does not equal having my child attached to me 24/7. That’s not healthy for him or for me. We always get comments from people about how Levi isn’t scared of strangers - he’ll come up to anyone and smile at them, and we rarely have issues with others holding him or playing with him (unless he’s overtired or hungry!).

I think that is partially due to the fact that from a young age, he’s been exposed to a variety of people. We’ve had childcare help from church friends, nannies and other babysitters. Everyone at church knows him and interacts with him (benefits of a small congregation!).

Of course, our son is never left alone with someone we don’t fully know and trust, because it is so important to ensure that your kids are around good sources, especially when they’re so little! Guard your kids against negative or harmful teachers and influences, but in doing that, don’t hold on too tight.

God has entrusted us to raise up these children He gives us. We are to be their primary teachers, guardians, and caregivers, but they are ours for a season and God’s ultimate purpose for them is that they bring Him glory.

If you want something different, make a plan to get there

Some women have to work because it’s the only way to provide for their family. So, if that’s you, but you truly actually want to be at home more with your kids, then make a plan on how you can get there. It will be hard. It will take time and sacrifice, but if it is worth it to you, you will do it and you will get there.

This might look like learning new skills to get a remote or part-time job. It could be starting your own business (here are some ideas!). It could be making wise investments or downsizing.

For all the time we spend wishing our circumstances were different (or scrolling aimlessly on our phones!), we could be spending that time growing something that will little by little get us to where we want to be.

Deuteronomy 8:18 says that the Lord “gives you power to get wealth.” If you’ve prayed and taken your desire to be a stay at home mom, then look for Him to give you wisdom and opportunities to make that happen financially, even if it takes a few years to reach your goals.

Mama, let’s not root our identity in how “good” of a mom we are. Our identity is found in Christ alone. We are imperfect sinners. On our own, we are not enough and will never be enough.

Yet, God knew what He was doing when He chose you to be this child’s mother, and He isn’t going to leave you on your own to do this.

So, go to Him and let Him lead you through this journey - that’s the only way we can accomplish anything of value in this world. Be faithful to grow and steward what God has given you in this season, even if it looks different from the choices others are making around you.

“And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.” -2 Corinthians 9:8

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