I didn’t know what the fourth trimester was until I was in the fourth trimester. All the apps and the books end with getting to 38 or 40 weeks, and then the baby is born. Sure, everyone talks about the lack of sleep, but even though I have nine younger siblings, multiple nieces and nephews and grew up babysitting, I still had no idea what to expect in those first three months.

When you see a new mom those first few months, you admire how cute the baby is. When you’re on social media, all you see are the cute photos and moments. When you babysit someone else’s kids, you get to walk away after a few hours.

But, when you have your own child, it’s all in, everyday. This tiny human being is learning to adjust to the world outside your womb while you’re learning to be a mom. It is all consuming and there are no breaks. Because even if you get a “break,” your mind is still occupied with how the baby is doing without you.

I don’t want to only share the hard. Because when I was single, I always hated when moms complained about their kids and lives by only sharing the negative and saying, “Wait until [X], then you’ll know!” When you desperately want what she has and she says stuff like that, it’s painful.

But I also don't want to sugarcoat it and tell you that it’s all newborn snuggles and cute baby photos, because I don’t want you to walk into it unprepared like I did. Because then you feel like everyone else must have it together and you’re a “bad” mom because it’s hard and no matter what you do, the baby still cries. So, I’m going to try and strike a healthy balance.

When Levi was born, we lived seven hours away from our families. We had a small church family, but otherwise we had no help. My mother drove up to stay with us for the second week postpartum, but other than that, it was just me and Daniel trying to navigate this new season of parenthood.

I couldn’t have done it without Daniel. He mixed up electrolytes and collagen in my water daily (and kept my water filled up all the time for those long nursing sessions!), took care of all the groceries and cooking (and let me tell ya, that man can cook!), and spent a lot of time hanging out with Levi.

He loves me and Levi so selflessly, even though he also had to adjust to becoming a dad, all while working, cooking, doing church ministry, and taking care of his wife and a fussy newborn, on little to no sleep. I truly married a man of gold, y’all.

I remember one night asking my husband if it was this hard for everyone or if it was just us. The fourth trimester, especially as a first time mom, is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It’s full of really high highs and really low lows. It takes everything you have and demands more.

Every day and week brings new challenges and milestones. Just when you think you got the hang of it, something changes and it feels new again. It equally feels like time stands still and flies by. But talking about the challenges seems taboo (here’s why I think that is).

So, I want to share a few thoughts I’d tell myself in the postpartum season - I hope it maybe encourages another new mama, because you’re not alone in this. So many other mothers have gone through this and you will get through this season too.

You can’t spoil a newborn

Those first few months, your baby will want to be close to you all the time, and that’s okay. You are all they know. Your heartbeat, your smell, all of you is the most familiar place for them in this big wide world.

There will be a lot of contact naps, baby wearing, snuggling, and breastfeeding (look up cluster feeding!). You’ll feel touched out at times, but it really does go by really fast and as he gets older, he’ll slowly get more independent. But in those first few months, do what you have to do for both of you to get sleep and comfort, even if that changes from day to day, week to week.

On that note, I wish I had started using my baby wrap earlier. I was so nervous about figuring out how it worked, but watched Karie Locher’s tutorial (see her babywearing highlights and follow her for so many great tips!) and then used my Solly wrap almost daily for months. For a while, it was the only way Levi would nap, and I think it truly was one of our most used baby items.

Newborns are not manipulative, they truly need you to survive, so give them grace and be kind.

Do what works best for you and your family

We bought the Snoo (used on FB Marketplace), and for the first few weeks Levi would sleep in it, but because he was up every two hours, eventually it just got easier to have him sleep next to me. He had jaundice when he was born and was slow in gaining weight, so our pediatrician had me feed him every two hours 24/7 for the first month. He also was often gassy and fussy, so sleep for him has always been a struggle.

I was so scared to bed share because there is so much out there about how dangerous bed sharing is, and the first few nights, I was hyper alert to his every movement. But eventually we got into a rhythm and figured out how to do it safely.

If you have a baby that loves his or her bassinet or crib, that is amazing, but if not, it is okay to do what works for you in every season. For some naps, we used & loved the Snuggle Me.

Around four months, when he started waking up every 1-2 hours (it started when he was sick and became a habit / the four month sleep regression), we moved him back to the Snoo and started consistently using a sound machine and following a bedtime routine (bath, diaper, feed, snuggle or read a book and bedtime).

Around five months, we bought Levi this crib + mattress and he started to sleep better on his own than with me - he learned to sleep on his belly and had lots of room to move. We also did a little bit of sleep training using this book and Levi learned to put himself to sleep at bedtime (after the newborn phase, he stopped wanting to be rocked and shushed in my arms and would fight it so much!). He still gets up every 2-4 hours at night to eat, so that’s a work in progress!

By the way, buy gripe water & this belly wrap to use if you also have a fussy or gassy baby those first three months and do bicycle exercises with your baby’s legs to get their digestive system moving. This helped us a lot especially at night. I also eliminated most dairy for the first few months.

Also, learn about baby sleep (look up active sleep in newborns!) and wake windows. This was the only swaddle Levi actually liked when he was little - he hated every other swaddle we tried, until we moved to an arms free weighted sleep sack for a short while, and then eventually we settled on the Kyte sleep sack that we love!

We also took Levi to the chiropractor around four weeks and it helped with his gassiness and sleep issues. He still goes every few weeks to get adjusted - highly recommend! Also, go see a lactation consultant if you’re struggling with breastfeeding. So worth it!

These are some of the things that worked for us (and we tried a lot!), so if it helps you too, that’s great. If not, do what works for you and your family.

It all gets easier and better

Breastfeeding will get easier (by the way, I wore these Silverette Nursing Cups all the time the first two months and had no issues with cracked or hurting nipples!). Figuring out what your baby needs and wants and what their different cries mean will become easier with time too.

Remember, in those first few months, you, your spouse and your baby are all facing a huge learning curve, so give yourself grace and know that everything will become more natural and easier with time.

I’ll be honest, in those first few months, I would often wonder why people want to have kids if it is this hard or if this is all it was ever going to be. There were many amazing moments too, but I didn’t fully feel the wonder and joy of motherhood until after the newborn phase. There were still challenges, but slowly, the joy began to outweigh the hard.

My love for Levi has grown more deep and strong with each passing day. There is truly such an amazing bond between a mom and her baby - something words can’t explain and it can only be experienced firsthand.

Even with all the hard moments, I can’t imagine life without this little boy. He changed everything, but it’s all for the best. It is all worth it.

Make room to do what makes you feel like you

Taking care of a newborn is all consuming, but to the extent you can, even if it is in 5-10 minute increments, make time for what makes you feel like you again. Take your baby outside on walks - the fresh air will do you both good. Shower and style your hair (doesn’t have to be every day - even once in a while makes a huge difference!).

I lived in loungewear and leggings for the first three months but slowly incorporating “real” clothes and putting on a little makeup helped, even though I did have to buy nursing-friendly clothes and a few items in a bigger size to fit my changed, postpartum body. That too is an adjustment and something I’m personally still working through as I get dressed every day and look into the mirror.

I spent a lot of time on our couch holding Levi for naps or feeding him during my maternity leave. I know they say to nap when the baby naps, but when your baby only wants to sleep on you, that’s hard to do.

So, I’d listen to podcasts, read a book (M is for Mama was one of my postpartum reads and I loved it!), read the Bible or work on writing my career e-course (sign up for the Corporate Manager newsletter to be the first to hear about this when it’s ready!). Sometimes, it was only a few minutes here or there, but doing those things made me feel like me, and that was an anchor in a season with so much new-ness.

By the way, if you can’t read your actual physical Bible, I read a lot on the Bible app in this season. Or pray over your baby as he nurses, especially for the night-time feedings.

Also, something I wish I had done: go out into the world. I know it’s intimidating to go out with a baby, but it’s good for your mental health to get out of the house.

I hardly left the house the first few months other than appointments or going for walks around our neighborhood, and that took a toll on me. Even if it’s just going through the Starbuck drive thru, when you physically are able to get out and about, go. Sometimes, it feels like everyone stares at you in public as you fumble to manage a crying or fussy baby, but babies cry, and most people understand that.

I remember feeling bitter that my husband got to leave the house and do normal things while I had to stay home with the baby 24/7. Yes, since I was breastfeeding and for awhile Levi would only sleep on me meant that I couldn’t leave the house for long, but I could have found a way to get out of the house a little more. Because, friend? We can do hard things.

To everything there is a season

I had to remind myself often that this was a season and it won’t always be this way. That was hard to remember in the middle of the night when I was silently crying and bouncing Levi on the couch in the living room because that’s the only way he would sleep and I was so exhausted.

Or when for a week, Levi cried inconsolably and nothing would soothe him (look up purple crying - weeks 6-8 were especially rough for us!). Or when we all got sick one at a time, including Levi, twice in a row, back to back, so that his entire third month of life was us fighting off a cold and the flu.

It felt like it was one thing after another those first few months, and it was hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. So, I clung to the reminder I heard from other moms: “It gets better. It won’t always be like this. We all went through this. This too shall pass.”

When you remember that this is only a season, it frees you up to focus on what matters most in this season: you and the baby. You need to heal and learn to be a mom to this child, and this child needs all of you to survive in this world. It’s okay to focus on that, even if it means your house isn’t super clean, or you say no to every other commitment for a little while.

On that note, accept all the help. If your husband can do the cooking or errands, or a family friend offers to clean your bathrooms or make dinner, say yes. Remember, it’s only a season.

And if you need more support from your spouse, ask (kindly!) for that too - be specific in how he can help you, because our husbands can’t read our minds!

You need other moms

I couldn’t have gotten through those first few months without my mom, sisters, and friends who are all mamas. I would text them questions all the time asking if something was normal, or what to do, or if they had a similar issue or feelings with their babies. And it helped so much.

When you’re learning to be a mom, add in some hormones, and sometimes there are moments when you think you can’t do it. That you’re a bad mom. So, having someone speak truth to you and answer your questions is vital.

Sure, you can google your questions, but there’s a lot of information on google that can take you on quite the spiral, so having a mom you trust and respect walk alongside you as you learn to be a mom is an incredible blessing.

Pray, pray, and pray

I vividly remember a day when Levi was fussy and overtired. He wouldn’t stop crying and nothing would soothe him. I tried everything. I finally texted my sisters and asked what else I could do.

They told me to go to a dark room, bounce Levi gently in my arms on the side of the bed, shush him, and pray. I had tried variations of that, but then I cried out desperately to God and this peace came over both of us and he was out like a light.

Or the week that he cried uncontrollably. On Friday morning we finally went to see the pediatrician who gave us medicine because it might be acid reflux, but he was so little and I didn’t want to give him medicine for a maybe diagnosis. So, I put a crying Levi in his bassinet and then sat on the living room couch and desperately begged God for help. That afternoon, it was like a light switch - Levi snapped out of the crying and was back to normal.

There were so many nights I’d walk our room or around the house holding Levi to sleep and praying. Praying for strength to get through the next hour. Through the night. Through the day. And His grace sustained me day by day, night by night. Sometimes, the answer was an immediate calm, other times, it was patience, strength and wisdom to do the next right thing.

I’d also recite Isaiah 40:11 all the time. A friend DM’d me this Scripture the second week after Levi was born and I clung to it like a lifeline. In my prayers, I’d remind God of His promise to gently lead those with young and ask Him to do that for me.

He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young. -Isaiah 40:11

You are the best mom for your baby

This is another reminder I’d tell myself all the time: God chose me to be Levi’s mother which means He knew I would be the best mom for him. Mom comparisons can be real, especially when you’re first learning to be a mom, so this is a good reminder to stay in your lane and trust that God didn’t make a mistake in giving you this child.

You’ll also hear a lot of advice about parenting: from social media, family, friends and even strangers. Develop selective hearing and choose your advisors wisely. Graciously say thank you and choose to walk away and not listen to the advice that does not work for you and your family.

Listen to the Holy Spirit and trust your motherly instincts, even if it contrary to what other people say, no matter how experienced they are!

You know your child best. You know yourself. You know what God is telling you to do and what kind of home and family to build. So, be selective in the advice you receive and follow.

And just because she raises her family like that does not mean you have to raise your kids the same way. So, you have permission to un-follow on social media any moms or accounts that make you feel less than as a mom.

I could go on and on. There is so much to learn in this season, and if you are currently in this season (or pregnant!), you will learn it too. You’ll learn in your own way and at your own pace. Every baby is so different, and you truly are the best mom for your baby. And if you ever want another mom to talk to, reach out to me. I’m so happy to chat with you!

Oh, one more thing. Take all the photos and videos, and no matter how you feel about how your body looks, get in the photos with your baby. I have so few photos with Levi (and the three of us together!) from those first few weeks, and I regret that.