Thoughts on Work & Motherhood
I’ve been asked a lot lately what my plans are for work after the baby is born. Actually, it has been something I’ve been asked ever since I decided to go to college, which is not common for young women in my conservative, religious community. And when I went to law school, Christians asked me if that meant I didn’t want to ever become a mom and what the point of higher education was if I did want to get married and start a family some day.
But it all became so much more real when I saw that positive pregnancy test, and even more so now that I’m entering my third trimester with my first child. For most of my life, my career and education have been the biggest part of my life. So many of my goals and ambitions have been tied to the work I do — whether it’s ministry or secular work. And for a lot of my twenties, my work was also my identity.
Because, to be honest, I’ve always wanted to be successful in my work and career more than I wanted to be a mother. I understand the working world, but the maternal feeling and ambitions were elusive for many years. So, when we got that positive pregnancy test, the prospect of becoming a mother within a few months threw me for a loop.
Will I have to quit my job after the baby comes? Is it unchristian of me to want to keep working? Will I be a bad mom if I keep working? Will someone else watching my child while I work hurt him long-term? How will I feel leaving my child to go to work? What if I don’t want to go back to work? What if I do want to go back to work because I can’t bond with my child or because I’m not good at being a mom?
That’s what always gets me: the “should’s”. I have always been influenced by what I should do, and my weakest should’s are the ones that have to do with my faith, especially what a good Christian woman / wife / mom should be like.
The trouble with that is there are a lot of competing voices out there on this topic and you can pretty much find whatever you want to hear to take as your own. You want to be told a good mom is a mom who works outside the home? There’s a Christian teacher or influencer promoting that.
Want to be told you should quit your day job and that’s what will make you a good mom and be the best thing for your kids? There is teaching out there to support that too.
And of course, there is the homemaker, full-time stay at home mom lifestyle that’s often touted as the hallmark of a Christian woman.
So, here is what has helped me process all these feelings and thoughts on this issue:
Praying through it.
When I get too wrapped up in the should’s, I take out my prayer journal and write out my thoughts and pray for peace and guidance. Because I want to hear God’s voice more than any other voice telling me what I should do and the kind of woman / wife / mom I should be. This grounds me and gives me peace, every single time.
Learning to be okay with not knowing all the answers right now and being open to making decisions later.
This one is hard for me because I like to have a plan, but from my conversations with other moms who have been in similar situations, you don’t know what it will be like after your child is born, especially with your first.
Studying for myself what the Bible has to say about this.
The truth is, God has been working on my heart in this area for years. In college and in my early twenties, I was career minded and feminism influenced, but little by little, God began to teach me His views on Biblical womanhood, including a women’s role at work, at home, in a family and at church.
If you want to know God’s thoughts on this, you have to be open to learn, because whether we want to admit it or not, we’ve all been influenced by the feminist movement and/or the conservative Christian teachings on issues that impact women, and both have beliefs and teachings that don’t align with the Bible fully. So, if you ask God to teach you what pleases Him in this, be prepared to be humbled, changed and challenged.
Talking through this with my husband.
The issue of a woman’s role in the home and women working is something I talked about with the guys that pursued me when I was single. Because I didn’t want to go into a marriage where my husband and I are on different pages on this issue right out of the gate (i.e., he wants a stay at home wife and mom but I want to work full time or vise versa).
But talking about this in the dating and engagement stage is one thing. It is helpful to manage expectations but it is also hypothetical because you don’t truly know what either one of you will feel once there is an actual child in the picture. So, as we prepare to welcome our first child into the world, it has been a blessing to have a husband who is patient to listen and talk me through this as we evaluate our options but leave room to make the best decisions for our family, in time, together.
Reminding myself of seasons.
Regardless of what my work life looks like in the future, the first few months postpartum and learning to be a mother will cause a shift in priorities. Work will inevitably take a back seat for a few months, and that’s okay. It won’t always be that way, because life is a series of seasons and the things we focus on in each season will shift too.
Not leaning out too early.
I read Sheryl Sandberg’s book, Lean In, years ago and the one thing I remember most clearly is that women tend to lean out too early. What does this mean?
Well, women who want to have a family and kids someday often start thinking about this years before they’re even in the position to have a child and we can often make decisions based on that someday dream.
For example, it’s tempting for me to feel like if I have to quit working eventually then I might as well stop trying to succeed and excel in my work now. This could look like saying no to opportunities at work or simply disengaging at work too early.
Yes, expect priorities to shift someday and plan for the future, but don’t count your eggs before they hatch. Be fully present in the season you’re in, while also mindfully preparing for the next season. The time may come to lean out career-wise — temporarily or permanently — but for now, continue to do all things as for the Lord. Wherever God has you today, be all there.
Listening to and observing other mothers living out all the options.
It can be tempting to live in a vacuum. To only follow and surround yourself with stay at home moms or only working moms, so I’ve had to make myself step back to learn from and observe women in all walks of life. To hear the good and the bad in each option because there is no perfect solution, there is no “one size fits all” answer, and things change from season to season. The truth is, it is a blessing to have options and I don’t want to lose sight of that by my desire to have a plan and answers for the future now.
Most of all, I’ve had to be mindful to remind myself to graciously listen when people tell me what I “should” do, but not let other people’s opinions or life decisions shake me. Because as my husband often has to remind me: we are called to make the best decisions for our family in each season, and that might not look exactly like the decisions other people make. And that’s okay.
Changing seasons and the unknown is hard for a planner like me, so becoming a mom has been a hard change to process for me. I know this is just the beginning too and it will take years to grow into this new role and the changes that come with becoming a parent.
Right now, I plan to take maternity leave and then come back to work full time, assuming we can find the right child care solutions and I’m physically and mentally ready to be back at work after maternity leave.
But I’m giving myself grace and margin to make different decisions down the road.
There are a lot of voices and strong opinions on this issue. Seeking counsel from the wise people who have walked through this is a good thing, but at the end of the day, the only voice and opinion that matters is God’s. Seek Him first and He will lead you in the right way you and your family should go.
