I vividly remember standing in my apartment and my little brother asking me if I was praying about getting married, and maybe I should be praying harder. At that point, I was in my mid-twenties, and God was doing so much in my heart around desiring marriage. I was praying more than I had ever before, wrestling with God’s will and my own desire for marriage. So, a comment like that was like pouring salt on an open wound.

Often, people have good intentions when they make certain comments to single women, but in reality, some comments fall short of the good intentions. In fact, sometimes, they can be downright hurtful or demeaning.

So, here are a few common pieces of advice or questions I heard in my decade of singleness that were more discouraging than they were encouraging:

1. “Why aren’t you married yet?” Often followed by a positive or negative observation like: “You’re such a great catch!”

Being told you are “wife material” or a “great catch” is often meant as a compliment. And it is, but sometimes, it is said in a way that is slightly puzzling, like the implication is that there must be something secretly wrong with you that negates you being a great catch.

Also, when you’re single for an extended period of time, it is often easy to spiral into listing all the reasons why you think you’re not married, so when someone else asks you something like this, it can magnify the fears or insecurities that you worry keep you from being marriage material.

Don’t always tie a compliment to marriage. Instead, give compliments freely and generously. Let’s recognize that women have worth and value, regardless of their marital status.

2. “At your age, I already had X kids” or “You’re not getting any younger”

This is a common one from the older generation or in more conservative communities. But, nowadays, people are getting married later, and there is nothing wrong with that. So, let’s not put our own time tables on others and instead recognize that we all go through seasons at different ages and times.

3. “You’re next” or “Your time will come”

Unless you have the gift of prophecy and God has revealed this to you, who is “next” to get married is not within our sphere of knowledge. We can wish that for someone. We can pray that God would send a single woman a spouse, but we can’t make promises we can’t keep. Alternatively, if you want to say something along these lines, try instead: “If marriage is God’s will for you, your time will come.”

4. “You should pray harder” / “Are you praying about it?”

Yes, praying for a future husband is important, and most single women are already praying for God to grant their desire for marriage, so try not to assume that lack of prayer is the reason she’s single. Instead, ask how you can pray for a single woman and respect her answer, even if the thing she wants prayer support in isn’t a husband.

5. “Don’t be so picky” or “Maybe your standards are too high”

There are situations where this is the case, but there are select people who should address those situations, like a mentor, pastor, parent or close friend who personally knows the person in question and her standards. Otherwise, encourage young women to wait on God’s best and reassure them that there are still good, Godly men out there.

6. “When you become content with being single, God will send you a husband”

This one puts a lot of unnecessary pressure to chase a constantly moving target. As if achieving a certain level of godliness or contentment is going to earn you a merit badge that comes with a husband. But God doesn’t work like that. Yes, contentment with your season is important, but it is not a prerequisite for marriage. Instead, encourage a single woman to be content in her season by helping her see the good in her season and by treating her as an equal to someone who is married.

7. “What about [insert name]”?

This one can be awkward, especially for women, because it’s like, “Well, are you implying I should go pursue this guy?” Instead, ask if she’s open to being introduced to someone you think could be a good fit for her. If she says yes, follow through and make the introduction. If not, respect her answer and step away from playing matchmaker.

8. “Have you tried online dating / going to that church?”

In certain situations, this question can work, but if you’re talking to someone who you’re not close with, it can come off as too much. Perhaps start with something more open ended like asking about her dating life before jumping to assumptions and suggestions about what she should do. And don’t just limit your questions to her love life - ask questions about other areas of her life and encourage her to grow in those areas too.

9. “Marriage isn’t for everyone”

Technically this statement is Biblical and true, but without proper context, it can sound like “Marriage is for everyone but not for you.” Which, like No. 3 above, we don’t know if marriage is for someone or not. That is between an individual and God. So, don’t dash her hopes so bluntly, and instead try to remind her of God’s goodness and provision beyond just the marriage context.

If you’re single (or when you were single), what is something you didn’t appreciate being said to you?

Alternatively, what was encouraging to hear?