The lie we keep buying: how social media tricks us into building someone else's dream
There's a giant scam robbing a generation of potential, leaving behind unproductive fields and half-lived, copy and paste lives:
A loss of the ability to put your head down and put in the work day after day, year after year to craft your skill and ideas into something enduring, long-lasting, original, and exceptional.
To be fair, it's not just social media to blame. It's all the things that shaped the millennial generation and the generations after us to expect instant results and to constantly seek out a quick dopamine high: fast food, two-day shipping, food delivery, fast fashion, the endless scroll, etc.
With social media specifically, we get to witness a highlight reel of people's accomplishments, beauty, success every single day.
Not only that, but for a price, many influencers and self-proclaimed gurus will sell you a course or a mastermind to tell you how you can be like them: the secrets to their success; a shortcut for you to become like them.
And we gobble that stuff up. It's why MLMs can seem so successful on social media. Trad wives rise to fame and wealth on social media by promoting products that they say have allegedly allowed their family to thrive financially while staying home with their kids. They tell you that you too can do the same if you join their team and they'll teach you all their methods and secrets, when, in reality, only about 25% of MLM participants turn a profit.
It's a model leveraged by many online influencers nowadays: they get rich selling their "secrets to success" when in reality, the majority of their followers and customers will never reach the influencer's level of success, no matter how many masterminds you attend by that influencer.
So, we make others richer and more successful by consuming all the content they produce, buying their products, services, and masterminds; striving to be like them, looking for a quick shortcut, but never truly finding success, at least not success that feels fulfilling to us.
Probably because in doing so, we're building someone else's dreams and using someone else's definition of success and happiness as our plumb line.
I've been on that hamster wheel way too many times, swayed here and there by those telling me how I should live - from the conservative evangelical teachings telling me what a “good Christian girl” should be to magazines and online teachers telling me what and how to achieve “success”….but now I want off.
I keep thinking about how anyone who has done anything substantial in their life put in years of effort, consistency and hard work to get to where they are. They failed, pivoted, did the unseen work, and if their work ever did step into the limelight for others to see and admire, it was either later in life or after their death.
For example, did you know that Warren Buffet made 90% of his wealth after his 60th birthday?! It's a culmination of decades of learning, investing, growing.
But our get rich quick, instant gratification generation can't comprehend that.
We want to make $50 million dollars in five years; a profitable business within months of starting out; a million followers on social media in three months; 1,000 newsletter subscribers in 1 month; the early promotion without putting in the work; a perfect homestead with no debt in our twenties; love without the effort to pursue or work on our character issues; weight loss by drugs or trendy diets because putting in years of good healthy habits takes too long.
I think it's why when my husband and I talk about building a legacy and generational wealth, we get blank stares more often than interest: because we're talking about making sacrifices, working really hard, stepping off the beaten path in order to reap a harvest decades later, with our kids and grandkids likely benefiting more from our hard work than we ever will.
Many people simply don't see the appeal in that kind of long-term thinking and investing, not when short term gratification is easier and more tempting.
If I can't have it now or a year from now, why would I invest in something that likely won't pay off until 10, 20, 50 years from now? Especially if it means years of "boring," unseen work?
The Legacy Guide is what helped us get off the hamster wheel of other people's definitions to success, and to gain clarity on the path we feel God is calling us to. It is why we publish resources like the Legacy Guide.
We want to see many other couples and families define their own version of success and impact; to build a life of impact that aligns with their values and God-given talents; to leave an enduring legacy that will grow and multiply what God entrusts to us.
But as I try to get off this hamster wheel of trying to build other people's dreams and using other people's definitions of success (and timing, and beauty, and parenting, and all the things, really!), the thing I continue to get tangled up in?
Tuning out the noise.
Learning to be still with my own thoughts and to hear God's voice.
Turning off social media.
Not pressing the buy button just became someone else looks good in that clothing item or says their life is better for purchasing x, y, or z.
Muting the Substacks and LinkedIn posts that claim to have the formula for building wealth or making money online as a creator / writer.
When I was learning to drive, I'd get really distracted by the lights in oncoming traffic at night. It would stress me out, make me tense up and I'd slow down to a crawl because I was so scared of crashing. Over and over, my dad, who taught me to drive, would remind me that the key is to look at the two painted lines in front of me, not at the oncoming traffic.
Nearly two decades later, I still have yet to fully learn this lesson applies to life too. I keep getting distracted and tempted by all the noise telling me there's a shortcut; a quicker way; that there's a "better" definition of success or a shinier dream to chase. And for a moment when I take my eyes off my lane and at the shiny lights, I flounder, I slow down, I get anxious.
Focusing at how other people are living their lives distracts us from our own lives, and we end up straying from our path or slowing down our own progress as a result.
I saw this quote in my Substack feed and goodness, it's so true isn't it?!
"Comparison isn’t just the thief of joy, it’s the thief of direction. And as I’ve often said, ambition without direction just leaves you with anxiety." - Anu Atluru
So, when this distraction inevitably happens, here's what helps me:
Remembering the big vision: I remind myself of what we're building and what truly matters to us, and that helps center me to what is important to me and my family. My husband and I talk about our big vision and the dreams we're building daily; I have a vision board I reference often; I write out our big dreams regularly; we pray over our future - all these things serve as an anchor to remind us of what we're working towards and what is important to us.
My husband: Daniel is incredibly good at not wavering at outside distractions and staying in his lane, so when I get off track, he's my grounding force. Like when I fret that we're not making progress quick enough and will we ever reach our dreams? Daniel is the one who reminds me that good things take time and that what we are building is so much deeper and more enduring that any get rick quick tale some influencer is spinning.
Prayer: Nothing puts things in an eternal perspective and brings peace like taking all your worries, doubts, and fears to the throne of God. It's a sure way to discern what you need to lay down and what is worthwhile to pick back up and keep working at.
These verses:
"Wealth gained hastily will dwindle, but whoever gathers little by little will increase it." -Proverbs 13:11
"Do you see a man who excels in his work? He will stand before kings; He will not stand before unknown men." -Proverbs 22:29
"A good man leaves an inheritance to his children's children, but the sinner's wealth is laid up for the righteous." - Proverbs 13:22
"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." -Matthew 6:33
"For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay." -Habakkuk 2:3
"And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up." -Galatians 6:9
"Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain." -1 Corinthians 15:58
"The plans of the diligent lead surely to abundance, but everyone who is hasty comes only to poverty." -Proverbs 21:5
Every time we drive by a field covered in brush, my husband makes a comment in frustration that the owner is not tending to his land. He'll comment about how even something as simple as cleaning up the brush and planting a cover crop to nurture the soil would do good for the land.
When he made this comment the other day, it reminded me of the parable of the talents in Matthew 25:14-30, where the master tells the servant with one talent:
"You wicked and slothful servant! You knew that I reap where I have not sown and gather where I scattered no seed? Then you ought to have invested my money with the bankers, and at my coming I should have received what was my own with interest."
In other words, if you won't put the resources I gave you to work, at the very least invest them so they'll earn interest. If you won't use the land for productive growth, then at the very least nurture the soil so there would be some traction to show when the Master calls again.
Here's the thing that scares me though (in a reverent fear of God, kind of way): this expectation is not for when times are convenient for us to bear fruit.
Remember the story of the cursed fig tree in Matthew 21 and Mark 11?
Jesus came up to the fig tree expecting to see fruit, but when there was none He cursed it and the tree withered and died. There's a phrase in there though that used to trip me up: "because it was not the season for figs" (Mark 11:13).
As someone who talks about seasons a lot, I remember reading that and thinking how unfair it was of Jesus to expect fruit when it was not the season for it.
There are a lot of commentaries and interpretations about this passage, but the one that struck me is this: some scholars say that although it wasn't the season for figs, this particular tree in that region of the world would have been expected to show signs that it bears fruit even "out of season," so something about this tree that Jesus approached showed that it was not in fruit bearing capacity.
So, the excuse of "it's not the season" for not cultivating and multiplying whatever resources God has entrusted to you is just not going to work when we get to the the throne of God.
He's not asking you to create instant results over night or to do it all in your own strength. He’s not requiring growth to “earn” your salvation.
He's asking you to steward your resources well, to be faithful with what you've been given, to do good for His kingdom. He asks us to do our part and then He will give the increase (1 Cor. 3:6).
So, let's turn off the noise and look away from the shiny lights to the patch of dirt under our own two feet.
Put down roots. Grow slow.
Stop giving money to online influencers promising get rich quick secrets and instead invest in education, habits and systems that move the needle on your own vision and legacy.
Build something original of your own, even if it takes years to see the fruit.
One final side note -
While working through my views on complementarism recently (more on that another day, perhaps), I read this quote in John Piper's book, "Recovering Biblical Manhood & Womanhood":
"That you ask: Which would be greater for the kingdom - to work for someone who tells you what to do to make his or her business prosper, or to be God's free agent dreaming your own dream about how your time and your home and your creativity could make God's business prosper? And that in all this you make your choices not on the basis of secular trends or upward lifestyle expectations, but on the basis of what will strengthen the faith of the family and advance the cause of Christ."
This is written in the context of choosing a full-time career vs. being a full-time homemaker, which is how I read it originally and the proceeded to re-read it 100 times and wrestle through in in prayer. It resonated with me, but still felt off and I couldn't pinpoint why.
As I was writing this post weeks later, this quote came back to mind and I realized that, for me, the application is not in the context of career vs. homemaker - it's way bigger than that. Because when you read that quote in the context of everything I wrote above, things shift (at least they did for me!).
So, let's ask ourselves, in the context of the life we're living and the legacy we're building:
Which would be greater for the kingdom - to build a life some online influencer is telling you to strive towards and to make his or her business prosper, or to be God's free agent dreaming your own dream about your how your time and your home and your skills could make God's business prosper?
What would your life look like if you stopped chasing secular trends and certain lifestyle aspirations and instead cultivated the dirt under your own two feet for His glory?
Y'all, I've said it before but writing is my therapy. It's how I process things. It's where God speaks to me.
Writing this post has untangled so many things I've been wrestling with, and I hope it encourages you too.
I'll go into more detail on this at a later time, but since we touched the topic: in my continuing internal debate of full time work vs. stay at home mom, reading quotes like that one from John Piper (or seeing content from trad wives and women teaching how choosing to work while having kids is a bad thing) can cause me to downward spiral and doubt my choices (it's one of the shiny light distractions I mentioned above!).
Yet, when I pray about it or talk to my husband about this, I am reminded that the choice is not full-time career vs. full-time homemaker (that part John Piper does get right!), but do my choices align with building the vision God has tasked my husband and I with, to grow His Kingdom, and to steward the resources He's entrusted to us (our time, money, children, assets, education, skills, talents, etc)?
This is where our family “strategy screen” questions are incredibly helpful (we talk about how this works in the Legacy Guide).
Does this align with how the Bible calls us to live out our lives?
Will this put us on a path to financial freedom?
Will this help us with the legacy we are building for our family? E.g., is this the best use of our time and resources on our way to where we want to be?
If the answer is yes, that's what matters. Not what John Piper thinks (don't get me wrong, JP is an anointed preacher, but he isn't the be all). Not what my parents or friends think. Not what an online influencer or guru is telling me my life should look like or how I should define success.
Because, y'all, I want to live a quiet, full life and to put in the work.
To excel in what God has called me to do.
To invest in things that matter, that will last long after I pass away from this earth.
To steward well and multiply what God has entrusted to me.
To build an enduring legacy brick by brick, alongside my husband and our boys.
To choose a vision based on what my husband and I value, not based on what others tell us our life and family should look like.
I want my Heavenly Father to tell me:
“Well done, good and faithful steward. You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share in your master's happiness." -Matthew 25:21
Faithful obedience, one day at a time.
