Should you marry for potential?

SinglenessMarriage

Dec 10

Let's say you meet a great, Godly guy. He has many of the characteristics you're looking for in a future husband, you've been getting to know each other and things seem to be getting more serious.

But there appear to be some things missing that you want in your future husband.

It's something I hear often from single women: "He's a great, Godly, guy, but he's not my type," or "but he isn't involved in church ministry," or "but he lives in a different state / country" or "he has a past," or “but his vision isn’t as ambitious as mine.”

Often, we let whatever comes after the "but" become something we try to take on as a project to fix. We take it as almost a personal mission from God to turn a guy into our ideal man based on the potential we see in him and/or the expectations we have for our future spouse and marriage.

You think you can turn him into a spiritual leader, convince him to move to your home state once you marry, or help him get a better paying job or better looking clothes.

The common pitfall: falling for potential

When we teach our Dating Seminars, my husband and I always emphasize that if you do not fully accept and love someone for who they are now, you shouldn't marry them.

Yes, people grow, evolve and change over the course of a lifetime - that is part of life, and once you marry, you navigate those changes together as a couple.

But that kind of change and growth is different from trying to force someone to change who they are to align with your personal expectations.

Often, when you marry for potential, you end up using whatever you deemed as the person's potential as the standard you expect of them. And almost always, they're likely to fail and not meet that expectation. In fact, it may have the opposite effect.

Let's take Jane Doe as an example: Jane meets a cute, Godly man and thinks he has the potential to be a spiritual leader. Jane's definition of a spiritual leader is someone who is very charismatic, outspoken about his faith, reads his Bible daily, leads his family in devotions, prays with his wife, and is involved in church ministry, preferably center stage.

The guy Jane is dating is introverted and a deep thinker, but based on their conversations, she sees that he has a sound theology, so she think he has the potential to grow into the spiritual leader she envisions.

They get married, and nothing changes as Jane thought it would. Her husband doesn't seem to want to do devotions together. He isn't interested in a church leadership position, nor does he ever want to be doing public speaking on any stage. He isn't praying aloud over Jane and their home like Jane's friend says her husband does (at least based on her social media posts).

So, Jane starts to grumble, first to herself and then to her husband that he isn't living up her spiritual leader expectations. She asks why he doesn't want to do this and that. She tells him that so and so's husband does this.

This turns into arguments. Her husband seems to withdraw more and more. Their physical intimacy struggles. In time, Jane wonders if she made a mistake in marrying this man.

Do you see what's happening here?

Jane married potential. But not her husband's potential, even though she may claim it to be so. She married her definition of potential for her husband. She wanted for him what he never wanted for himself.

Instead of seeing and accepting her future husband for who he is and prayerfully building him up to be all that God created Him to be based on his unique characteristics and vision, she projected her own expectations and vision onto him and was left disappointed when her husband inevitably fell short of what he never was, could be nor wanted to be.

So, are you just stuck with what you get and that's it?

Is it bad to expect more from your spouse or desire growth for them, especially if you see all that you think they could be and it aligns with what they want for themselves too?

Make your spouse's vision the plumb line for their potential

Here's a mindset shift that helps navigate this: choose a spouse for character and vision, not potential.

One of the topics we urge every single couple to discuss before marriage, and regularly after marriage, is vision. We even created an entire guide around this to help couples have this conversation.

Ask a guy you're dating what his vision is for his life, and then evaluate if that is a vision you are willing to sign up to help build and how his vision would blend with your vision.

Because you cannot envision more for someone than they do for themselves, even if you think it’s for their good.

For example, if you want your spouse to get healthy and lose weight, until they want that for themselves and there is a mindset shift for them to desire this, nothing you do will make him or her lose weight.

Vision is important, but vision alone isn't enough. One must also have the character that aligns with the vision they are striving to achieve. Character is the surest indicator of the kind of spouse and parent you will become.

More than words: verify vision through action

Here's the thing: if there's no plan behind a vision, it will forever stay just a vision.

For example, let's say you're dating a guy who says he wants to start his own HVAC business, but for the last few years and currently he's been working as an over the road truck driver. He says he'll eventually quit and pursue HVAC, but he's taken zero steps towards becoming a certified HVAC specialist or educating himself on how to run a business.

He has a vision, but he has no plan to achieve that vision, nor is he taking steps towards achieving that vision.

So, if you marry him with the expectation that you'll have a husband who is home most nights because he has his own HVAC business, you're in the same boat as the woman who married for her version of a guy’s potential: you'll likely be disappointed and end up married to an over the road truck driver who is only home on weekends.

Yes, there are exceptions. Yes, he may eventually make the change. But you can't marry with the expectation that you'll be the exception, that he'll change for you, that things will be different when x, y, z happens.

You accept him as he is, even as you also evaluate what a future would be like with him if you both are working towards your shared vision.

Aligning future plans with current realities

Remember the story of the cursed fig tree in Matthew 21 and Mark 11?

Jesus came up to the fig tree expecting to see fruit, but when there was none He cursed it and the tree withered and died. There's a phrase in there though that used to trip me up: "because it was not the season for figs" (Mark 11:13).

As someone who talks about seasons a lot, I remember reading that and thinking how unfair it was of Jesus to expect fruit when it was not the season for it.

There are a lot of commentaries and interpretations about this passage, but the one that struck me is this:

some scholars say that although it wasn't the season for figs, this particular tree in that region of the world would have been expected to show signs that it bears fruit even "out of season," so something about this tree that Jesus approached showed that it was not in fruit bearing capacity.

Take this parable and apply it to dating: when you find yourself admiring a beautiful, leafy tree that seems like it has the potential to yield an amazing harvest or paints an amazing vision, look deeper:

Are there signs that he or she is working on yielding the fruit he or she promises or speaks of?
Or is it a dead tree with no signs of ever reaching their God-given potential or vision? Just empty, pretty words?

It doesn't matter if it's the season for the vision or not: what matters is if the core infrastructure is alive and there are signs of growth and progress + if that tree can even bear the kind of fruit you want to eventually harvest from that tree.

"You will know them by their fruits. So every good tree bears good fruit, but the bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot produce bad fruit, nor can a bad tree produce good fruit." -Matthew 7:16-17

You cannot marry an apple tree, thinking they have the potential to make oranges because you always envisioned yourself as a family of oranges - you'll end up disappointed when you harvest apples every year, even after trying every gimmick to change the tree and praying for God to turn your apple tree into an orange tree because that’s what you thin is best.

You also can't marry a tree full of leaves that is dead inside and cannot bear fruit with the expectation that something will change after you say “I do” to make the tree come alive and exchange the leaves for fruit.

All that being said, yes, we do belong to a God who can make dead bones come alive and who can transform people. But Jesus also cursed a tree that didn't bear fruit as it should, even though he could have also easily restored it to bear fruit. Which is why discernment in choosing a spouse is vital.

The overall message we teach in our dating ministry is this: have the conversations that will help you determine what you're signing up for by marrying someone:

What will life together be like?
What will marriage to this person be like?
What's their vision?
Who are they at their core? When no one is watching?
What kind of parent will they make?

Seek out those answers, and take them at their word, but also verify their answers by the fruit you see in the person's life to see if their words align with their actions.

Marry them for who they are (character) and for the vision they are actively working on building (not merely talking about a vision).

So, let's go back to those "but" statements we began with.

Would you be content and thrive being married to him even though he isn't your "type"?

Would you be content and thrive being married to him if never got involved in church ministry the way you picture he should?

Would you be content and thrive being married to him if you had to move to where he is and if he'll never change his mind to move to where you are, even after you have kids and really want to closer to your family?

Would you be content and thrive being married to him regardless of his past?

Would you be content and thrive building up his vision for your life and family?

Would you be content and thrive being married to him if he never reaches the potential you envision for him and/or he never lives up to your expectation of your ideal husband?