Should you marry someone who votes differently than you?

Singleness

Dec 10

Regardless of what political party you're affiliated with, this is a time when political and social views dominate conversations.

Here are some considerations on the importance of aligning on political and social views in choosing a spouse:

Don't make the decision based on the party; focus on the underlying issues

It's a cop out to to say, "I only date Republicans" or "I'd never marry a Democrat." Why? Because nowadays, there is such a wide spectrum of what it means to vote Republican or Democrat. It's become more about issues than parties.

So, instead of simply vetting someone based on whether they call themselves a Democrat or Republican, ask specific questions about why they vote the way they do. Ask what political and social issues are the most important to them and why (we have questions on these topics in the Dating Guide if you need ideas on how to approach this conversation with someone you're interested in!).

Because a person's views on political and social issues doesn't just impact how they vote, it impacts how they live and make decisions. Which means if you marry someone with vastly opposing social and political beliefs, this will likely be a point of constant tension in your marriage.

For example, it likely will impact how you parent, how you get along with each other's friends and family, how you spend your money, and so much more. Yes, it is possible to overcome the tension and make it work, but be sure you're willing to sign up for that for life for yourself and any future children you may have.

Identify your deal breakers

Be very clear on your deal breakers - these are the things your future spouse must have and if they don't, you won't marry them. Your deal breakers may include certain social and political views. If so, be firm in that - don't waver, no matter how "good" or "cute" the other person is, how much you want to get married, or how much you like how they make you feel. A lifetime is a long time to be married to a person who doesn't share your values.

As you identify your deal breakers, educate yourself on the social and political issues you say you care about (or the issues that influence how you vote). Don't just parrot what influencers, politicians, your parents, your pastor or others say you should believe on a certain topic. Pray through it for yourself. Study what God's word says on the topic. Do your research. Come to a relationship with your own view point before you vet someone else's viewpoint.

It's okay if you're not 100% aligned on all political and social issues as a couple

Once you've talked about what each of your views on political and social issues, both the ones that are important to each of you and the topics that are currently trending, evaluate if based on what you learned, you would be okay building a life with someone with those views and beliefs, including raising children with their beliefs and views.

Realistically, you likely won't align 100% on all social and political issues. That is healthy and normal. Make sure you align on the important things, including your deal breakers, and that you're okay yoking yourself with the rest that maybe you don't fully align on.

Consider if you're willing to take on their beliefs as your own if it comes to it

Like with any merger, when you start your own family, with time, one person's views/preferences/habits will influence the other person's. You'll blend into one in your marriage, balancing out each other's strengths and witnesses, so ask yourself: if this person's beliefs end up being stronger than mine on this topic, am I okay to take on their beliefs as my own if it comes to it? It may come to this, or it may not, but it's important to consider the possibility, especially if the other person is really firm or passionate about the topic.

For example, if you marry into a family that has a long line of Republican politicians in the family and you're a Democrat, and you know the guy is close to his family and easily influenced by his family's opinion, consider the tensions that could cause if you two differ on multiple political and social issues and whether you're willing to submit to his leadership on those political and social topics if need be.

Note, this doesn't only apply to political and social views, but to everything. Even things as simple as you're a night owl, but they're a morning bird. If it comes to it that you need to get on the same schedule to better your married life, are you willing to shift your schedule for early mornings?

This is why we advocate so passionately for couples to go through the Dating Guide and discover where each party stands on certain topics and if based on the answers you each get, you're willing to sign up for a life with that person and all of their beliefs, views, and habits.