Is your husband's vision the main priority?
I recently read a thread on a conservative Christian femininity IG account about how a wife’s role in marriage is to be a helper to her husband, which means doing everything you can to help your husband achieve his goals / dreams / vision. That women who have their own ambitions or careers can lose sight of their God-given role and choose to follow their own vision, and not their husbands.
I agree with this, generally. At least the first part. But teachings like these also really hurt younger me and made me fear marriage, because it leaves out a crucial point:
When you say “I do,” there is no more his vision and her vision. It is ours. We are one.
This doesn’t mean one person lays down their vision to take on their spouse’s goals / dreams, but the two merge into one. You don’t lose yourself and your vision at the expense of supporting your husband’s vision. Instead, it is a blending where two parties to say that together, we are stronger and we can accomplish so much more than I can alone.
I remember years ago drinking tea with friends and one of my brother’s friends said something that transformed how I dated in my single season:
To a guy, the most important thing is that his wife supports him unconditionally in his vision and what he is trying to achieve.
So, if you’re dating a guy and you are not 100 percent on board with the vision for his life is and taking on his vision as your own, DO NOT MARRY HIM.
The day after I met my now husband, he shared that he had a corporate job and I asked if he saw himself staying in corporate and moving up within the company. In response, he shared the vision for his life.
And y’all, it gave me shivers. I called my brother that same week and told him I had met a guy whose vision aligned with the one God put on my heart so well that I would do everything I could to help him accomplish what God put on his heart because it is what God put in my heart too.
We were walking parallel to each other, at the same pace, towards the same destination, driven by the same vision for our work, life and ministry.
But even so, our visions were not identical. It was more like puzzle pieces that were meant to go together to create something new.
For example, I had a dream to one day own a ranch to host retreats for single women. I’m a city girl though, with zero knowledge of what it takes to run a farm or a ranch, but I figured I’d learn and hire someone to run the ranch if the time came. It was a stretch dream - something I wasn’t sure I’d ever be to afford or actually do.
My husband grew up in the country, dreaming of becoming a cattle rancher and providing jobs to youth guys + mentorship and discipleship (in addition to an income).
I was in teen ministry. He did youth ministry.
We both have the spiritual gift of teaching and are learners, but my strength is communicating in writing, while Daniel’s is preaching and teaching in person.
I can go on and on. Little details that fit together as if we were always created to be one.
That’s what happens when you leave your love story in God’s hands; when you ask Him to prepare you for He has in store for you.
Because in that decade before my husband and I met, I changed. God changed the desires of my heart and cast out so many of my fears and insecurities. He prepared me for what He had allotted for me, so when the time came to step into the next season of marriage and starting a family, I was ready.
Now, Daniel and I talk at least once a week about our big vision for our family, ministry, work, and legacy. The details shift and become more clear, even as the general framework remains the same as when we first met.
I truly believe that honing in on the vision for what your family legacy is and talking about it regularly with your husband is vital for a thriving marriage. Because knowing where you’re going and having a shared purpose / vision makes daily life and decision making so much easier.
Being a helper to your husband is so simple then. Because you aren’t just helping him accomplish “his” vision, but in all that you do, you’re accomplishing your vision too. It’s one shared vision.
So, if you’re single, pray for God to prepare you for what He has for you in your future and choose a husband based on whether your visions for your family, ministry, finances, work, and life align. Our Dating Guide has 150 questions to help you do this!
And if you’re married and feel like maybe your husband’s vision has taken over and you’ve lost yourself in helping him — first, pray for God to give you clarity and wisdom on how to approach this and then have those conversations as a couple to try to work out a shared family vision.
In our Legacy Guide, have a space for each of you to write down your own dreams and visions and then an exercise to walk through together and combine your dreams for one shared family vision.
So, what if there is still a mismatch in what you and your husband each envision for your life and family?
Then, as a wife, here’s how you can support your husband’s vision:
Submit to your husband’s vision and leadership. More on submission here!
Figure out how you can use your strengths, skills and interests as a wife to further your husband’s vision for your family. In our Legacy Guide, we have a worksheet created specifically for this, where you can each write out how your personals strengths can further your family’s vision.
If you study the Proverbs 31 woman, you’ll notice that she did just this - she had a lot of her own things going on but everything she did was for the good of her husband. In pursuing her work, inside and outside the home, she was building her family’s legacy within a vision she shared with her husband.
Recognize that there is a season for everything. Maybe right now the priority is your husband’s vision and later, you’ll come together to make room for a dream of yours and that will become part of your family’s vision later down the line.
Pray for him and ask God to give you wisdom on what to pray for your husband and how to support him best as his helper. A few years before I met Daniel, I was at a church service when the preacher read 1 Chronicles 4:10:
Jabez called on the God of Israel saying, 'Oh, that You would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evil, that I may not cause pain!' So God granted him what he requested".
I heard the Holy Spirit telling me to pray that verse over my future husband. So, for years, I did: I’d pray that God would enlarge my husband’s territory, keep him from evil and that His hand would always be with him. Little did I know that I’d marry a man whose dream is own thousands of acres of land, but God knew, and He had me praying for my husband’s vision years before we even met!
One final note - someone asked me the other day how much of a partnership this should be, as in, should you as a wife help plan and offer constructive criticism / ideas to further your husband’s dream or work?
And my answer would be: ask your husband how he wants to be supported in his dreams and in his work, and then actually do that for him.
Some men are open to constructive feedback and input from their wives; others are not. You know your husband best, so tailor your response accordingly (and pray for the Holy Spirit to give you wisdom on how to approach this).
If your husband does seek out and want your input (like my husband!), always start and focus on encouraging and building him up first and foremost.
Be quick to praise and slow to criticize. Choose your words wisely.
Be honest and don’t avoid the hard conversation (marriage should be iron sharpening iron!) but do it kindly and with grace.
“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another" - Proverbs 27:17
As a wife, our words have the power to build our husbands up or tear them down. So, be his biggest fan. May he always rest in the knowledge that no matter the outcome, you are always in his corner. May your husband be safe sharing his dreams with you.
What you speak (and think and pray!), your husband will become. There is a king and a fool in every person. And the one you talk to, is the one you will see emerge.
See your husband as a king and speak to him as if he is already what you wish he would be, instead of only ever focusing on his flaws and how he may fall short of your expectations. If you only ever see the negative things about your spouse, your words and actions will reflect that, for our mouths speak what our heart is full of (Luke 6:45).
