“Why are men such wimps?” I hear that question a lot from single women who want a guy to step up and ask her out.

“If men weren’t so passive, women wouldn’t have to step up and lead,” is another comment women make.

I’m not going to write a theological deep dive here on Biblical submission - maybe someday, but today, I wanted to talk about something that came up when I did a Q&A on Instagram about whether I’ve had trouble submitting since I got married, especially given that my husband is younger than me and I have more education.

There is something we often get wrong about Biblical submission for wives, especially in conservative, evangelical circles. It’s something I personally misunderstood for years:

We make submission in marriage seem like it’s a loss; demeaning; subservient; powerless. We make the husband big, and the wife small, a shadow.

But that’s not a Biblical view.

Because when Christ calls wives to submit to their husbands as to the Lord (Ephesians 5:22), it is a call to die to self.

And He said to all, “If anyone would come after Me, let [her] deny [her]self and take up [her] cross daily and follow Me.” -Luke 9:23

When I submit to God’s will, I lay down my own free will. Which implies I still have free will, I just choose not to exercise it when my will is against God’s will.

So, when I submit to my husband as to to the Lord (when his viewpoint disagrees with my view point), I choose his way over my own way.

It is a willing choice.

It’s done in love, not out of requirement.

It is a choice I make daily as I follow my husband’s lead.

Not because I have to. Because I want to.

You can’t talk of a wife’s submission in marriage without also talking about a husband’s leadership. Leadership for husbands and submission for wives are two sides of the same coin. They’re tied together.

Here’s the point I want to focus on today, one that might make some women uncomfortable because it forces us to take a look at our own actions as women and wives.

As women, we can have this tendency to think our way and timing is best, especially when it comes to running the household and raising children. As a result, we may expect our husbands to lead in a way that aligns with our expectations and timing.

If he doesn’t act when and how we expect or want him to, our first instinct may be to (1) nag, or (2) take over and just do it ourselves.

The message this may send to the husband though is that he isn’t capable or that we don’t trust him to do things in his way and timing.

If a woman does that often enough, a guy will just stop trying to take the lead. He’ll step back and let you lead.

It’s true in dating. It’s true in marriage.

I’m not even talking about big life decisions. It’s the little daily things. Where he puts his clothes at the end of the day. How he does laundry. How he parents. When or if he takes out the trash. How he spends his free time. How much he works.

Even when I back seat drive and press my imaginary break pedal on the passenger side with a “Babe!” when I don’t think my husband is breaking fast enough. A few times of that on a road trip, and he’ll ask: “Do you want to drive?” :)

So, does that mean we as women just step back and wait passively on our husbands to act and take the lead on on everything?

I think it all starts with understanding your husband’s leadership style. Too often, as Christian women, our view of spiritual leadership and Biblical manhood can be too narrow, as if there is only one way for a husband to be a spiritual leader.

For example, you may expect your husband to be a spiritual leader by initiating Bible study at home, leading devotions with the kids, praying together, etc. For some husbands and families, that works.

But it isn’t going to be the case for every couple and family.

Because every man isn’t the same, just like every woman isn’t going to be the same kind of wife as other women.

Each of us has been equipped with different strengths and abilities.

For some men, their leadership is bold. For others, it can be quiet.

But each one can be as equally strong, especially when the man is rooted in Christ.

The husband who prays privately for his family is reaching the throne of God just as much as the one praying publicly.

So, as wives, it is unfair of us to expect our husbands to be something they’re not.

Nor is it on us as wives to mold our husbands into who we think they should be.

Ephesians 5:22 says that a wife should be submissive to her own husband. Not to any other husband or man out there, but to her husband.

Don’t be looking to the right or to the left at how some other husband is leading. Your husband is not going to be like your dad. He isn’t going to be like some other Instagram influencer’s husband. He may not even fully be like who you dreamed of marrying when you were younger.

Pray for eyes to see your husband and his heart as he is.

He isn’t going to be perfect. He certainly is not going to always do things the way you’d like them done or in your preferred timing.

Nonetheless, he is yours in God’s eyes, and that makes him worthy of your respect.

Removing those spoken and unspoken expectations of how we think our husband should lead can be difficult and it takes time, but it is so incredibly freeing. Because when you do that, you give up control.

I know that can be scary. I’m a Type A personality who hates not being in control, but I have learned I cannot submit to my husband or respect his leadership in our home if I keep a tight grip on all the things by expecting it all to go my way and in my time.

But what if your husband isn’t a believer?

Or maybe not as strong of a Christian as you are?

What if you disagree on all the things and his way of doing things drives you nuts?

Once again, let’s turn to the word of God for the answers:

“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” - 1 Peter 3:1-2 (emphasis mine)

Apostle Peter, much like Apostle Paul’s letter to the church at Ephesus, emphasizes that submission in the marriage for a wife is meant to be her own husband as he is (not to anyone else’s husbands or husbands in general or how she thinks he should be).

Peter takes this further though by pointing out that this means that for some women, this will mean submitting to a man who is not a believer or who does not fully live by God’s commands.

So, where is the line then? What if your husband is lying, cheating, stealing, etc? At what point does submission end?

From my personal study into this, the line is that we submit and follow our husband’s will, unless doing so would lead us into sin.

Which means everything else about our homes and family life is left for us to shape as a couple, together as much as we agree, and then wives yielding to our husbands where there is a disagreement on how to proceed.

And that means in all the things.

How the kids are raised. How the laundry is folded. What time dinner is served. What you eat for dinner. If and where your family vacations. What side of the family you do holidays with. How you wear your hair. Where you spend your money.

But this doesn’t mean you have to run every single household task by your husband.

For example, in a workplace scenario, a leader’s job is to give you guidance for the bigger vision of what the team is working towards, their expectations for whatever needs to be accomplished and then provide ongoing support to help you do what you need to do to get your tasks done.

It is likely that your husband isn’t going to have an opinion on every single little thing, and so many things may by default be deferred to you on if, when and how things are done.

But there are going to be things your husband does have a preference on, and when his view differs from yours, as wives, we are called to submit and follow our husband’s lead.

Think of it this way: any good lawyer drafting a partnership agreement will advice you to not structure voting 50/50, because you’ll stall the business when you come to a disagreement - with equal votes, you’re stuck at a stalemate. Instead, even if you own everything equally, do voting 51/49, so that one party can break a tie and the business can keep moving forward.

It helps me to see our marriage that way, with my husband holding the 51% voting power. He rarely has to use that 1% in our marriage, but it does make it easier to resolve disagreements when we do need to use it.

There is a saying that the husband is the head, but the wife is the neck that turns the head.

But that’s not what the Bible says.

“An excellent wife is the crown of her husband . . .” - Proverbs 12:4
“. . . but the woman is the glory of man.” - 1 Corinthians 11:7

A crown adorns the ruler. It is not the ruler.

As wives, our words have power and our actions have influence.

If you call him passive, so he will become.

If you tell him he isn’t being a spiritual leader, he will believe you, for your opinion of him matters to him.

If you nag him and treat him like a child who needs to be told where to be, how to dress, and how to do things, he will fall in line with your expectations of him (or push back, causing tension and fights within your marriage).

If you step in and regularly do things in your own understanding and timing, you will become the leader of your home.

If you compare him to other men and husbands, he will inevitably fall short and your respect of him will erode little by little.

If you show him by your words and actions that the home and the kids are solely your domain, so it will be.

Because I truly believe that as wives, we can either build up our husbands to excel in their roles as husbands and fathers, or we can cut them out at the knees by undermining their leadership.

The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down. -Proverbs 14:1

I know this isn’t a popular modern view. If someone told me all of this as a teenager and in my early twenties, I would have pushed back so much.

But what changed things for me is to stop seeing it as a man’s commandment and instead see it as my God’s commandment.

In Galatians 5:24, Paul writes that “those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.” My submission to the Lord means the crucifixion of my own will and desires.

So when God calls me to submit to my own husband as I do to Him, it means I lay down and deny my own will and desires.

But this is a good thing. John 12:24 says that “unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears fruit.”

Do you see the power and beauty in that?

Insisting on clinging to my own will and desires in our marriage and home will guarantee to keep me alone. It won’t bring unity into our marriage or home. It won’t let me submit to my husband and it won’t allow my husband to fully and freely lead our family.

The death of me gives birth to us. To our family. To a united will. And it will bear much fruit. It will be so much more than what you had when it was just you. It’s the ultimate act of trust - putting your desires and will into someone else’s hands.

I truly believe men are able to do so much more as husbands and fathers when we as wives give them our respect and surrender our will for their will.

And in that surrender, a woman also finds freedom to more fully live out her role as a wife and mother.

I think that’s why you see the Proverbs 31 woman successful in so many different ways and why her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land (Pr. 31:23).

Because her husband’s heart trusted in her (Pr. 31:11).

I’m guessing he wouldn’t be so trusting if she was acting contrary to his desires and outside of his authority. And that the work of her hands and her family would not be as blessed by God if she wasn’t in submission to her husband as the leader in their home.

She wasn’t hampered down or held back by her husband’s headship. He doesn’t have to micromanage her and she doesn’t have to step up and lead to accomplish all the things - the trust in their marriage gives each of them freedom to flourish in their respective roles for the benefit of their entire family.

Biblical submission as God intended it to be is not meant to be demeaning. It is a multiplier. Beautiful. Freeing. Life giving.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic! Just reply to this email or leave a comment below if you’re reading on a browser!

P.S. A personal note for my single friends —

I don’t want you to read this and walk away with a negative view of marriage.

Younger, single me likely would have read this and thought: how is this appealing? Will it basically be doing whatever my husband wants all the time?

From my personal experience, this kind of submission is actually not difficult and it has expanded my life in so many ways.

I think it is primarily because before we got married, my husband and I went through the questions in the Dating Guide to make sure we would be equally yoked and that our visions and values are aligned.

If you and your husband are on the same page when it comes to values, beliefs, life goals, etc., it makes submission a natural and easy thing to live out.

I also used the questions in the Dating Guide to vet my husband’s character before we got married. My heart trusts in him, so I gladly follow his lead, because I know he is a man of noble, Godly character and, based on what we talked about before we got married, I know that he is a man who thinks and prays through things before he commits to something. He also respects my opinion and we discuss and decide everything together.

If we do disagree on something, it is usually on smaller life things (like what day of the week we leave for a trip or whether to purchase something), and it isn’t difficult for me to yield to my husband because I trust him fully and completely.

Because for me, it has been true: leaving “me” behind and becoming an “us” has expanded my life, dreams and goals in so many good ways. I have greater capacity and am a better human, mom and wife because of my husband’s servant-hearted leadership. My submission to be his helper and his crown is a blessing, not a hardship.

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Which reminds me - in one of our first conversations, Daniel shared the vision for his life. After hearing what he said, I told my brother that I had met a guy and would do anything to help him achieve what God put on his heart because it was what God had also put on my heart for my own life.

I know that isn’t the case for every couple and marriage, but I do hope that if you’re single, you won’t settle, but wait for God’s best - for the one who is going the same speed and in the same direction as you are.