We celebrated our one year anniversary last month and it got me thinking about how good our first year was. There was a lot of change and some really hard days, but overall, it was a blessing.

Going into it, I expected it to be hard, because I’ve heard people say the first year is the hardest (others say it’s the best and it gets harder after year one). So, for the first few months, I lived in anticipation for the other shoe to drop, because surely it can’t be this simple and this good? Shouldn’t we be arguing or disagreeing? But a year in, I can say marriage is truly good if God is in it and you’ve laid the right foundation.

How to thrive in the first year of marriage for the newlywed wife bride to be

Here are nine things I learned as a wife in our first year to have a thriving marriage, in no particular order:

There is no yours or mine - only ours

This applies to everything: work, chores, finances, ministry, family, friends, etc. When you become one flesh before God, you’re yoked together in everything.

For example, we’ve found our rhythm with chores and who does what, but there are days and seasons when one of us can’t do what we usually do and the other steps in. Like when first trimester nausea hit me hard, Daniel stepped up and did everything at home because I could barely get out of bed. On the other hand, when he’s preparing a sermon, I try to lighten his load everywhere else and be a sounding board for him because it is as much my ministry as it is his.

Being in it all together as partners is the best thing about marriage. But to become in sync together takes communication and effort from both of you because it’s constantly shifting and changing, and so you must learn to adjust and ebb and flow together as one.

And when you’re tempted to think the worst about your husband’s intentions, remember you’re on the same team. Assume he has the best intentions and then read his words or actions based on that. Men and women think so differently that sometimes we as women misinterpret our husband’s actions because we view it from our female perspective without giving him the benefit of the doubt or considering things from his perspective.

Say thank you for everything

This seems minor but the impact is extraordinary. Part of feeling respected is knowing your efforts are seen and appreciated. So acknowledge what your spouse does for you, your family and your house. Thank him for doing the dishes or taking out the trash. Thank him for being a good husband. Even if he does the same thing every day, thank him for it every day and tell him you appreciate his efforts - the little and the big things.

On that note, speak words of encouragement to each other and say I love you every day. Tell him what you love about him and why you’re glad you married him. Using our words to build our husbands up is so powerful. It’s like fresh water to a plant that is vital for growth.

The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down. — Proverbs 14:1

Seek to serve and notice rather than being served and noticed

As women, we have this innate desire to be pursued and loved, and that continues from the dating days into marriage. I’ve heard and read a lot of stories of women complaining that their husband doesn’t do romantic things for them anymore - that the husband seems absent or busy and she wishes things could go back to how they used to be.

But that focuses a whole lot on me while expecting everything from him. But do you act like you did when you were dating and engaged? Focus on doing your part - to serve and notice him every day. Go out of your way to show him that he is your priority and that you care. If you know something means a lot to him that you can do, do it - whether it’s a chore he puts off or wearing your hair the way he likes it. It might mean something on your to-do list gets left undone so you have some quality time together, but it’s worth it.

Even if this feels one sided for you and you still keep wishing and praying your husband would also be more serving towards you or notice you, get the pity party out of your own head and be the first to treat him how you want to be treated. Because meditating on the negative only leads to bitterness and you don’t want to be one who plants a root of bitterness into your marriage and home.

Keep it fun and flirty!

My husband is so good at this and it’s made me better at it too since being fun and flirty isn’t something I’m naturally good at. And as cliche as it is, keep dating each other. Do the things you enjoyed doing together when you were dating. Put away the phone and spend some quality time together. Make each other laugh. Give each other compliments. Send a provocative text and give meaningful gifts just because.

Don’t underestimate the power of physical touch daily. Kiss each other every morning and before you go to bed & hug each other every day. And ladies — initiate sex once in awhile. If you find yourself “not in the mood” often, figure out how to work on that — are there things you or your husband can do to get you in the mood ahead of time? This book was so helpful for me on the wife’s perspective on sex.

Treat your spouse as the most fragile and valuable thing entrusted to you

I read this somewhere in an article when I was engaged and I think of it often. The Bible talks about the wife being the weaker vessel but our husbands — even as strong as they seem — have feelings, emotions, insecurities and fears too. They’re not invincible. This reminds me to be kind and extend him grace, because as wives, we wield the influence to build our husbands up or tear them down with our words and actions.

For example, men have an innate desire to provide for their families and if they perceive that something is threatening that responsibility, they will react strongly. This could look like procrastinating on important decisions, hiding behind work, withdrawing emotionally, etc.

He may not want to talk about these things like us women do, but you can still be considerate and recognize that he may be working through something too if he seems off or struggling. Offer to talk to him about it, be extra caring that day and above all, pray for him — God can do more to help him work things out internally than we can.

Talk about the little things before they become big things

Your husband cannot read your mind. That might seem obvious but too often we forget that and we start to build up bitterness or resentment when he doesn’t meet our spoken or unspoken expectations or needs.

Check in with each other. Be vulnerable and invite him into what you’re going through, even if like me, you tend to withdraw and pretend everything is fine when it’s not. Communicate your feelings and expectations. And always be the first to apologize. Pick your battles - none of us are perfect, and some things are better off covered with grace or addressed with humor.

On that note, get the words “never” and “always” out of your vocabulary. When we’re upset, we tend to say things like, “You never help with this,” or “you always do this negative thing.” And that just implies the other person never once does anything good, which is rarely the case. Instead, frame it as your feelings, “When you do this, I feel this way.” Make it about you, not them. Be kind and before you say anything, pray, pray, pray about the situation, him, your feelings and for words of wisdom for the hard conversations.

Talk about your vision and goals often

My husband and I want to own a ranch someday and live in the country. It’s one of our biggest goals, so we talk about it often as a reminder of what we’re working towards and why we’re making certain sacrifices now for our future. It’s so important to know where your family is going so that you can work together towards a common vision and goals.

“Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?” - Amos 3:3

Get on the same page about your finances

Finances are one of the top reasons people get divorced, so figure out what works best for you as a couple. Budgeting, paying off debt, saving, spending, investing, giving — make a plan together and check in often to be on the same page about your finances.

Always keep seeking God daily

The health of our marriage directly correlates to the health of our spiritual life - together and separately. If either one of us is slacking in our prayer life or not reading the Bible, it starts to show and gradually seeps into our marriage.

Studies show that the lowest divorce rate is for couples who attend church regularly and have a devoted spiritual life. Jesus is the only glue for a strong and long marriage, so if both of you aren’t seeking Him first, nothing else will fully flourish or grow in your marriage and family.

Note, all of these are from my perspective as a wife. You can do all these things even if your marriage is struggling and your husband isn’t loving you like you want and need to be loved. Of course, the caveat is that if you’re in an abusive relationship, seek help.

1 Peter 3:1-2 says, “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct.” We as wives have a special kind of influence over our husbands, regardless of our husband’s actions or lack thereof. For we live before God first and foremost and that should shape the kind of wife we are.

What other advice do you have for a new or soon to be wife?