How Do I Know If He’s The One?
When I was single, it annoyed me when people would say that when you meet “the right one” that you’ll just know. But how exactly do you know? Is it a feeling? Signs? And then I met my now husband, and I understood: when God is in it, you know.
There’s no such thing as soul mates
First things first: the concept of soul mates isn’t Biblical, but is actually rooted in Greek mythology. Nonetheless, many Christians still subscribe to the view that there is one right person for each of us. Others believe that as long as you’re equally yoked, God will bless your marriage to any Christian (aka, the one you choose becomes “the one”).
For a long time, I believed that there was just one person for each of us. And then I thought God told me who I was going to marry - I had the feelings and thought there were signs from God to confirm my feelings. But he married someone else and the doubts poured in: if my “the one” married someone else, what happens to me? Is there a second runner up?
In my search for answers, the Holy Spirit led me to this: God gives us free will, including who to marry, but He also has His will, which He will reveal to us in His time if we seek to walk with Him.
This means, I have free will to choose who to marry, but God in His infinite wisdom knows the best choice for me out of all the options out there. So, I decided to leave the choice of who to marry in God’s hands, because I wanted His best for me.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. - Proverbs 3:5
You’ll see the answers to the prayers you prayed
During my single season, I prayed a lot about my future husband. I prayed for what my heart desired but I also asked God to show me what to pray for and He did, so there are several passages in Scripture that I also prayed over my husband.
Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. -Psalm 37:4-6
For example, a couple years before I met my husband, God put it on my heart that my husband would be involved in youth ministry. When I met my husband, our conversation started over youth ministry because he was a youth leader in his church and I was involved in teens ministry in my church.
This is just one example - I can give you an entire list of very specific prayers that I prayed for and over my future husband that God ended up doing in his life in response to those prayers. If you’re not sure what to pray about in your future spouse, I have a chapter on this in my book + how to invite others to pray with and alongside you.
God knows what you need and what He has prepared for you, so when you invite Him into your waiting season, He will prepare you and shape you for your future.
And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him. - 1 John 5:14-15
Your visions will align
Before I met my husband, there was another guy interested in me. On paper, he checked all the boxes and had so many of the characteristics I had prayed for in a future husband. As we got to know each other, he would tell me that he saw how I would fit into his life and ministry as his helpmate and wife, but as much as I tried to picture it, I just couldn’t. It was like two puzzle pieces that just didn’t fit, no matter how much you tried to make it work.
But then I met my husband, and just a few days into talking, it was so different, because we both could see that God put the same vision on our hearts. If you could ask any question to vet a guy you’re interested in, it is to ask what his vision is for his life. If he can’t answer that, that’s a red flag, and if the vision he shares doesn’t align with where you want your life to go, then that’s also a red flag.
When my husband shared what his vision was for his future, I knew, because it was the same vision God had been working in me the last few years. That’s when I knew that I would follow this guy anywhere (even if it wasn’t in a romantic way!) and do anything I could to help him achieve what God put on his heart because it was what my heart beat for too.
“Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?” - Amos 3:3
READ MORE: 10 Things Every Dating Couple Should Talk About Before Getting Married
You are compatible and equally yoked
As my husband and I teach in our dating seminars, find the person walking at the same speed as you, in the same direction and towards the same goals. You’ll need to do some vetting to figure this out: ask the hard questions, evaluate his character, ask about his reputation, and observe him and his behavior.
The more my husband and I got to know each other, and as we went from friends to dating and then getting engaged, the more we both saw how in sync we were in so many areas of our lives. We had similar values, priorities, goals, habits, characters, etc.
Note, this doesn’t mean you’re the same in all things - in fact, opposites often attract, but you should have the same shared values and be compatible in the areas that matter to you.
Because you’re not just yoking yourself together romantically - you’ll also be yoked to their family, finances, habits, goals, work, health, religious views, politics, friends, etc. When you consider all these areas, are you equally yoked?
Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever? - 2 Corinthians 6:14-15
My husband and I put together this Dating Guide with over 150 conversation starters covering twelve categories of topics couples should talk about before getting married.
You will have peace and your heart will be open towards him
I’ve always been really guarded, especially towards guys, so I would pray that in His time, God would open my heart towards the man He had chosen for me, and guard my heart against any man that wasn’t His choice for me. Otherwise, I wasn’t sure I would ever be able to be in a relationship.
When I met my husband, there was an ease and openness that I had never felt with anyone before. As we talked and got to know each other, my heart kept opening up towards him - it was supernatural and holy. It happened so easily and he felt like home. And to my guarded heart, that was an answered prayer.
There were no red flags and instead there was an overarching peace through every step of our relationship. Yes, I had moments of anxiety and doubt, but it was never about him or our relationship, but my own insecurities like how a guy like that could want to marry someone like me or worrying that I’d make a “bad” wife.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. -John 14:27
So, if you like a guy and you feel like something is holding you back, pray through it to get to the root of it: is it the guy? The relationship? The timing? Or is it you? Because God gives His children peace, the kind that this world can’t give us. So, if that peace is lacking in your relationship, that should be a red flag.
The key to knowing if he’s “the one” actually begins long before you meet “the one”: if you learn to walk with God in your single season, He will prepare you for your future husband and marriage, and when it is time, He will reveal His will to you.
Yes, you have free will to choose who you marry, and you can seek God to bless your choice, but take it from someone who waited for over a decade and left the search and choice in God’s hands: God’s best is worth waiting for. I wrote a devotional all about this & you can get a copy here.
