How to navigate today's dating culture as a Christian

Singleness

Dec 10

Seeking a spouse is different today than it was in previous generations. Here's how:

People are marrying later: In 2022, the median age of first marriage was 30 for men and 28 for women. In 1956, the median marriage age was 22.5 for men and 20 for women.
Marriage is out of vogue: Due to social and cultural changes, especially in the U.S., marriage isn't as popular or common as it used to be. In 2021, the marriage rate hit an all-time low, and although it's started to increase since then, it's not anywhere near to what it used to be in our parents and grandparent's generations. In the UK, more than half of women aged 34 or under are unmarried, and the majority are now childless by their 30th birthday. In the US, 45% of women are predicted to be childless and unmarried by 2030. It is more common now to have multiple sexual partners, live together without getting married, or to stay single much longer than ever before.
Divorce is more common: With divorce rates hovering between 40-50% in the last few decades, you have generations of kids coming from divorced homes. Seeing a broken marriage impacts how you view and approach marriage.
Where and how we meet potential spouses has shifted in the last decade. For example, in 1998, 2% of married couples met online, but by 2017, that rose to 50%! This is a cool graphic to show how things have changed. Gone are the days where you met and married someone in your local church and community; now, we have the entire world as a potential dating pool. Yes, more options is generally good, but the abundance of choice can sometimes lead to “choice paralysis,” where people keep searching for a “perfect” match instead of committing.
Shifting societal views and norms on gender roles: Over the last few decades, there have been major shifts in how society views gender roles - we went from the feminism movement in the 1970's to the current trad wives movement (two opposites shaping one generation - girls growing up in feminist homes and now getting married and becoming moms with trad wives dominating social media). More women than ever before are also getting an education in the U.S. and staying in the workforce. A recent survey by the American Enterprise Institute found that 46% of white Gen Z women identify as liberal, compared to only 28% of white Gen Z men. There are so many other cultural nuances and shifts that shape how we approach choosing a spouse and building a family.
Political views are becoming more polarized and impacting relationships: Only 37% of liberals in the US are married, compared to 56% of conservatives. The marriage gap between liberals and conservatives is the biggest among young women. Furthermore, 86% of Americans believe that it has become more difficult to date someone who supports the opposing party, and most would refuse to date someone with different views.
Dating has changed: Casual dating as we see today is a new concept. It's common for people to have dated multiple people before marrying, and even the word "dating" means something different to everyone (which is why we have an entire section on dating in our Dating Guide to help you figure out if you're both defining dating the same way and what to expect).
Masculinity & femininity have changed: Due to many of the reasons cited above + other societal shifts, masculinity and femininity has been watered down significantly, even in religious circles. For example, you see more women taking the lead and more men being more passive. This is not only in the dating realm, but in life in general, where it's not uncommon for women to "get their life together" earlier than men or have men stuck in boyhood and not ready to pursue a woman or lead a family.

This is not an all inclusive list and it's very high level, but you get the idea: dating today is very different than it was for our parents and grandparent's generation (which is probably why our parents and grandparents can't seem to understand us when we say it's hard to find a spouse nowadays!).

Interestingly though, it appears that even though how we meet people has changed, the factors we evaluate in choosing a spouse have remained relatively unchanged in the last few decades.

A Federal Reserve Bank study found that there are strong preferences for marrying someone of the same race and someone with more or less the same education and age, but everyone preferred someone with higher income and skill levels. However, if you expand the data beyond 2008 and loop in data from 1960-1980, the results show that people have increased their preferences for mates who have the same income, education and skill levels. So maybe we’re on to something with our Dating Guide where we encourage you to choose a spouse you’re equally yoked with!

So, in the midst all of these shifts, how do you go about seeking a Godly spouse who aligns with your values and vision?

Here are some of our tips:

Know your deal breakers

These include values and characteristics that are non-negotiable for you: if someone doesn't have them, you won't marry them. Keep this list short with only the top priority items and move everything else on your wish list to "nice to have" vs. "must have."

Our Dating Guide has over 150 questions for couples to talk about to determine whether you're equally yoked and compatible (and what being married to each other would be like!) + we include worksheets to help you evaluate each other's answers compared to your deal breakers.

Be clear about what you want from the beginning

A few weeks into getting to know each other, I asked Daniel what his expectations were for moving things forward in a relationship. My personal boundary has always been that if after talking to / dating a guy for three months, things don't look like they're moving toward marriage within a year, then that's my answer and I move on.

Daniel told me his personal line was more wait a year and then see if things should move towards marriage. I could see he was a bit wary by my three month mark, but we agreed to re-visit this at three months. Daniel ended up proposing exactly three months after we met, not because of my "rule" but because he knew he wanted to marry me and didn't see the point of waiting a year (we were long-distance so that sucked too!).

I'll be honest: stating my expectations clearly has made guys say "no thank you" and move on from me, because they wanted something more casual and drawn out, but I'm glad that's how it worked out - we weren't on the same page, so it would have been a waste of time for both of us!

If you want to date with the intention of moving towards marriage but the other person just wants to have fun and has no real desire to commit, it's better to know that from the beginning. If the other person wants to have sex before marriage but that’s against your convictions, then talk about this from the beginning.

Here’s our list of 150+ conversation starters for dating couples!

Heal your trauma

If you have hurt stored up from past relationships or from your parent's marriage that is influencing how you date and choose a spouse, focus on healing that first through prayer, finding a Godly mentor, journaling, therapy, or whatever it takes to ensure you don't let your your past negatively influence into your future.

Be open to the unexpected

There was a time when I said I'd never marry someone I met online, but I'm glad God worked on my heart to be open to seeing His hand in unexpected ways since I ended up meeting my husband on Instagram (we had friends in common and our paths crossed in real life over the years, but we didn't actually notice each other until we connected on IG). I also never saw myself marrying a cowboy or someone younger than me, but now I can't imagine why I ever wanted to marry someone other than a cowboy.

God knows what is best for us and what is in our future, so He is the best one to help us choose a spouse we're equally yoked with in values, character and vision. So, hold that wish list with open hands, pray for God to prepare you for your future and if an unexpected door of opportunity opens up, say yes!

Pray specifically and without ceasing

If you want to be a stay home mom and wife, then pray for a husband who makes enough to support a lifestyle like that. Regardless of what culture around us believes, or how much of a minority you feel like with your beliefs and values, remember that God is able to bring up for you what you're praying for, even if it's a one in a billion chance.

When Elijah, the prophet felt like he was the only one left standing, God told him that he still has 7,000 other people who did not bow down to Baal (1 Kings 19:18). You may feel like there's no one left to match your values or vision, but even if that was the case, God can use your prayers to shape your future spouse to rise to the occasion.

Prepare for what you're praying for

Let's keep the same example going - if you want to be a stay home mom someday, but you're single into your 20's or 30's, choose a career path and work that will yield itself to flexible work or work from home arrangements so that if you do have to work for whatever reason as a mom, you have flexibility to still be present at home with your kids.

Faith is preparing for what you're praying for. It doesn't matter what other relationships or marriages are like around you - if you want something specific for your future, even if it's counter cultural, then pray and prepare for that and choose a spouse who also has a similar vision for their marriage and life.

Don’t underestimate the value of in-person connection

You may meet someone online, but don’t stay there too long. Invest in in-person, real life connections: phones put away, eye contact, quality time and meaningful, deep conversations.

On that note, practice becoming a really good conversationalist - this is becoming a lost skill in a digital generation but strong communication skills are the cornerstone of a thriving relationship.

Ladies, embrace your femininity

The world tries to tell women to be more independent, more assertive, more like men. Don't buy into it. Study God's word on this topic and ask Him to shape you to be a woman after His heart.

I recognize that it is common for women today to work in professions that are predominantly male and thus may require you to step up and be a leader, independent, or take on more masculine traits. That's okay, just don't let what happens in your work life spill into your personal life. Practice in your personal life allowing a guy to take initiative, pursue, lead.

You can be strong and feminine; independent and dependent; a leader in your work and submissive to your husband. These traits are not mutually exclusive - it's more about knowing how and when to wield the tools at your disposal as appropriate for the occasion.

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There's so much to be said about this topic because it truly is a whole different world when it comes to choosing a spouse today. But the core of it is this:

Date how God leads and convicts you to seek a spouse, even if it looks different to how everyone else is dating.

I was told so often when I was single that if I didn't casually date around, I'd never get married. Well, they were wrong. My first real in person date was with my now husband. We made it official at the end of our first date (that lasted 9 hours!) and got two months later.

Our love story is not going to be the same as yours, and that's a good thing. It's also okay if your love story doesn't include dating like the world dates, casually and without intending to commit to more. Put yourself out there, meet potential spouses, talk to guys, but be firm in your standards and convictions on how you date and seek a spouse.

God is writing a unique story for you, whether that includes marriage or not, and those who trust in Him will not be put to shame or disappointed.