Is it high standards or are you being too picky?
Before we begin, it’s important to note the difference between two words that are often used interchangeably: standards vs. expectations.
Standards are a level of quality or norm, while expectations are beliefs about what will happen in the future.
So, when you say you have high standards, that speaks more to the quality of what someone does and what “normal” life looks like for them.
That being said, when someone says they have high standards, what they often mean is they have certain expectations.
Both standards and expectations are important to discuss and vet in the dating stage. Our Dating Guide is an excellent way to discuss expectations to see what being married to each other would be like and whether your expectations for marriage and family life align.
Okay, now let’s dive into the real question: regardless of whether you’re talking about your standards and/or your expectations, are you being too picky?
First, are you the kind of person you’re looking for is looking for?
It’s a mouthful but basically: are you living up to the standards you’re setting for your future spouse? For example, if you want someone involved in church ministry, are you involved in church ministry? If you want a good communicator who is quick to forgive and ask for forgiveness, are you that way?
Because it’s not fair to ask someone to be what you are not. Work on becoming someone who meets and exceeds the standards and expectations you set for others - we attract what we are.
Second, get clear on your deal breakers. And no, not every item on your spouse “wish list” is a deal breaker.
Deal breakers are things that your spouse must absolutely have in order for you to be equally yoked. We recommend focusing on these three “buckets”: character, values and vision. Choose a few items in each of these buckets — everything else on your list? Mark it as a “nice to have” and ask instead of treating it as a deal breaker, ask yourself, “am I willing to live with this?”
No, we’re not telling you to settle. But marriage is two imperfect people learning to build a life together.
You may hate sleeping with the fan on, but it’s the only way he can sleep. He may snore and keep you up. But you find a way to make it work. That’s marriage.
No one is going to be perfect. You won’t agree on every little thing. But we choose to love the person we choose, flaws, habits, insecurities, and all.
Winston Churchill once said that “perfectionism spells paralysis” and that’s so true: when we look for perfection in a future spouse, we become indecisive in choosing a spouse because we become hyper-focused on all the ways they fall short of our mile long wish list instead of seeing the good things and strengths they bring to the table as their own unique self (note, this does not mean ignoring red flags!).
Third, don’t cut God out of the equation - when your wish list for a future spouse gets too detailed, you leave no margin for God to work. If you’re praying for God to provide His best for you in a spouse, there will be things in your future spouse that you may not even think you need or not quite in line with some of the items on your list.
That’s another pitfall of having too many requirements for your future spouse: you start to believe that your future spouse should be all the things you want them to be instead of letting them be their own person. Left unchecked, you will take this mindset into your marriage and instead of loving your spouse for who they are, you’ll slowly grow bitter when he or she does not meet your long list of expectations.
The reality is, no one will likely reach all of your high standards because we’re all a work in progress, so what if instead we tried to evaluate a potential spouse to see if the person is working towards a certain standard? They may not be there yet, but working on it counts for so much more.
For example, if while you two are talking about the future and going through that section of the Dating Guide, and your guy shares that he has a goal to start his own HVAC company. Good earning potential there, but ask follow up questions on how he’s working towards that goal today and then see if his actions line up with his answers: is he getting the necessary training or education to become an HVAC specialist? Is he learning about that field and about business ownership?
Finally, ask God to prepare you for your future spouse and your future spouse for you. By praying about our future, we seek discernment and wisdom in choosing a spouse, which includes holding our “lists” and high standards with open hands. There’s an entire chapter in our singleness devotional on how to pray for your future spouse.
Be picky, but be picky in the deal breakers, not on a list a mile long covering every little detail for your future spouse. It’s good to have high standards but all virtues become vices if taken too far.
When you’re ready, here’s how we can help:
Download our Dating Guide with over 150 conversation starters to help you date with intention & purpose in your search for a Godly spouse and a marriage full of blessings.
Order Expectant, a devotional for women in waiting seasons.
Subscribe to Seek in Faith, a newsletter featuring encouraging notes for Christian singles on navigating singleness, dating and building a strong foundation for marriage.
