Six Things That Actually Prepared Me For Marriage
Waiting seasons are seasons of preparation. It is a time to invest in your future, while being faithful to steward what God has given you right now. Because what you sow today, you will reap tomorrow. This is especially true for the single season. I got married three months before my 30th birthday, and there are a six things I am glad I did that actually helped prepare me for marriage:
Working on my character.
Marriage would have been so much harder if I got married as the woman I was in college. I was prideful, insecure, stubborn, and felt like I had so much to prove. I was afraid to be vulnerable, influenced by feminism, and my ambitions were shallow and selfish. So, to bring that into a marriage would have made me and my husband miserable.
I’m grateful God took that heart of stone and spent years melting down the hard parts and creating in me a new heart. He showed me parts of my character that were not Christ-like and taught me what characteristics to cultivate to prepare to be a woman and a wife of noble character.
For example, I had to learn to be the first to ask for forgiveness, even when I felt like I was the one in the right. I learned to cover things with grace when someone messed up or offended me; to resist the urge to always have the last word and be right; and to be okay if things didn’t always go my way.
That change and growth only happened because I surrendered my character and life to Christ, going to Him daily in prayer and Bible study, and being plugged into a local church and surrounded by people who spoke Truth into me.
Oh, and what that high school and college aged me looked for in a guy is completely different from a man after God’s heart that I should have been looking for! Probably because I was not the kind of woman a man like that was looking for.
If you’re in the dating or engagement season, my husband and I talk about finding a spouse and building a foundation for a Godly marriage here.
Studying Biblical womanhood and gender roles.
I went to a small liberal arts university, but I grew up in a conservative, Evangelical, immigrant community, so I’ve been shaped by two very different and opposing views of womanhood. I lived in the tension of those two for most of my twenties, trying to figure out for myself who a Godly woman is and what her life looks like.
In taking these questions to God in Bible study and prayer, as well as studying a variety of sources and teachers on each end of the spectrum, God slowly began to change and shape my beliefs on this, taking me from “I will never submit to a man!” to seeing submission as something beautiful that reflects Christ.
When it came time to get married, I was more confident in what God expected of me as a woman and a wife, and that helped in choosing a spouse because I knew what questions to ask about his expectations for marriage and gender roles to see whether our values were aligned in how our family, marriage and household would be.
Take the time in your single season to figure out what you want out of a marriage as a wife, a woman, and a future mom.
Do your desires and views align with the word of God?
What kind of woman, wife and mom does God want you to be?
It might take some time to overwrite what you were taught by the church or the world to get to a firm foundation on these topics, so come to God with an open mind and heart to be taught by Him, not by any one religion or the world’s opinions on womanhood and gender roles.
Getting my finances in order and paying off debt.
Almost all of my undergraduate degree was paid for, but I did have to take out student loans for law school. I also lived off credit cards for the summer between graduating law school and starting work as I studied for the bar exam.
Once I started working, I made a spreadsheet with a plan to pay off my debt in five years (learn more about how I did that here). I really wanted to be able to pay off as much of my debt as possible before I got married to give my future husband and I more flexibility financially. I ended up getting married just a few months shy of being debt free!
Take this season to grow in financial literacy - not only paying off debt, but learning how investing works, how to live on a budget, health insurance basics, figuring out a retirement plan, saving for big purchases and living within your means. That is not only being a good steward of your resources entrusted to you by God, but it is sowing a blessing in your future.
Getting involved in ministry and my local church.
Between starting an online magazine for young women, writing devotionals and leading the teens group at my church, I am so glad I invested so many hours of my single season in building up God’s kingdom. I truly believe that God honors the woman who invests her single season to Him and kingdom work.
And if you want to marry a man involved in church and/or in ministry, be a woman like that! There are so many opportunities and needs in the church, and God has equipped you with spiritual gifts for the purpose of edifying the church (1 Cor. 12:4-19). And He will ask you for an inventory of how you used and multiplied what was entrusted to you in this season (Mat. 25:14-30).
Living my single season to the fullest.
In my decade of singleness, I graduated college and law school, worked a big 4 accounting firm, lived on my own, traveled the world, published a book, bought a house, started an international women’s ministry and so much more! My single season was full, because I said yes to every open door God gave me, even if it wasn’t marriage when I wanted it.
Sometimes, when you’re waiting, you get so fixated on chasing and wanting to be married, that you miss the opportunities God has for you in the current season. Because maybe you want to buy your first house with your husband, but God gives you a chance to buy a house as a single woman. Or maybe you want to stay near your family and local church where it’s comfortable, but God gives you a job or ministry opportunity across the country. Maybe you don’t want to start that college program because what if you get married before you have time to complete it? What would be the point of doing that at all if you ultimately want to be a stay at home mom anyways?
But God is giving you this season for this length of time for a purpose. Steward it wisely for His glory and to help you prepare for the next season.
Praying for my future husband and marriage.
Your prayers today shape your future. What you pray over your future husband now is who God is shaping him to be. What you pray over your marriage and yourself as a wife is what you will reap. If you’re not sure what to pray, go to God’s word and pray scripture over your future.
Because I see the fruit of the specific prayers I prayed in my single season over my husband and our marriage: the character traits, the ministry work we do together, and our relationship. It’s so exact that it can’t be a coincidence. So, start now and don’t stop. Heaven is listening and working on your behalf!
If you want to go deeper into this topic, I wrote a book for waiting seasons. The book is structured as part Bible study to lead you to study the Bible on each of these topics for yourself.
