10 Things Every Dating Couple Should Talk About Before Getting Married

The Bible tells Christians to not be unequally yoked with unbelievers, which also applies to who we marry. So, then the question is: how do I know if I’m equally yoked with the person I’m dating?

Some Christians interpret this passage to mean that as long as you're both Christians, that is equally yoked. But, it goes so much deeper than that. In farming, yoking a horse with a donkey gets you an entirely different pace and result than yoking two horses of equal size.

In marriage, if two people have different values, goals and expectations, it makes it so much more difficult for the family to grow and move forward together. Because when you yoke yourself to someone, you yoke yourself to their beliefs, lifestyle, hobbies, work, finances, goals, values ... everything. Not only that, but you also yoke your future kids to all of it too. That is why it is so important to know who and what you're yoking yourself to in marriage.

When a company is looking to fill one of its top executive positions, it spends months vetting candidates. There are multiple interviews, meet and greets with various stakeholders and in a variety of settings, and extensive background checks.

Dating should be fun and romantic, yes, but if you’re dating with the intention of marriage, then dating is also an interview process for one of the top roles and positions in your life. Someone merely looking the part or telling you they’re qualified isn’t enough. It is important to seek a person of high character, and the tighter the search, the more likely you’ll get what you’re looking for.

You don’t have to spend years dating one person or even date dozens of people to figure out who you want to marry — if you know the right questions to ask, you’re praying through the seeking, and letting the Holy Spirit lead the way, then choosing a spouse becomes simple.

Here are ten questions every couple should talk about in the dating phase to screen for character, values, and compatibility:

How do you form your views and beliefs? What role do the Bible, culture, the church, your family, and influencers have on what you believe?

Part of being equally yoked is building a family on a strong spiritual foundation. That means talking about each of your views and personal beliefs on various theological issues like gender roles, church, worship, communion, salvation, baptism, etc., and also how each of you developed and formed your personal beliefs.

If you lost your job today or were unable to work, what would you do? Have you prepared for this? What if you had to keep providing for your family, how would you do that?

Finances are one of the top causes for divorce and disagreements between couples, so it is important that you two are on the same page regarding finances before you even say “I do.” Talk about it all: retirement planning, budgeting, joint accounts, debt, saving, spending habits, and thinking about how you’re going to provide for your family financially.

Do you or your family have a history of any serious health issues or concerns (e.g., allergies, cancer, eating disorders, substance abuse, addiction, depression, etc)?

When you marry someone, you also marry their health and history. That is why it is important to know what you’re signing up for. For example, if the person you’re dating has a history of anxiety or depression, talk about the impact this could have on your future family and make a plan for how you two will work together to address this if it happens again.

What are your financial goals?

As a couple, you have to be working towards a shared vision and goals as a family, especially if it happens that one of you is a saver and the other is a spender, or if one of you is the primary breadwinner. Talk about what you would work towards with your finances if you got married, whether this means making sacrifices like living in a small apartment while you’re saving up for a downpayment on a house, or sticking to a really strict budget in order to pay off student loans.

If we get married, will we have equal say on how we use our money as a couple (i.e., buying a house, investments, childcare, etc.), no matter who earns more?

Speaking of finances, talk about what money management is going to look like day to day. Who is going to be paying the bills and maintaining the budget? How will you make major financial decisions? Will you have one joint account or multiple accounts? Addressing these types of questions will help you discuss your expectations for married life.

What is your relationship like with your dad? With your mom? How involved was your dad in your life growing up?

Whether we like it or not, how we grew up and the relationship we have with our parents has a major impact on who we become and how we show up in our marriages. Talk about how you were raised and the roles your mom and dad play in your life. Discuss their parenting style and how you think it will influence the kind of spouse and parent you will be.

What is your vision for your life and future?

This is one of the most important questions to discuss, because if one of you dreams of living in the city in a high-rise with a corporate fancy job but the other ones to be a farmer and own 1,000 acres in the middle of nowhere, it will be difficult to work towards a vision where one or both of you don’t make significant compromises or sacrifices.

Your visions for your future may not be 100 percent aligned, but talk about whether you can work together to support each other’s vision and future goals where there are differences, while also making sure your core vision of what you want your future to look like is compatible and similar.

What are some of your deal breakers in a relationship?

We all have values, character traits, and beliefs that we consider important that we want our future spouses to have. For example, if you’re a Christian, you likely want to marry another Christian, so it should be a deal breaker for you if you meet someone who is not a believer and does not actively attend a church. Talk about each other’s deal breakers and see if each of you have what the other is looking for in a spouse.

What are your views and beliefs on divorce?

Your marriage will be so different if you both go into it with a conviction that divorce is off the table, no matter how hard things get versus if one of you is okay with divorce but the other is not.

Do you want to have kids someday? If yes, how many and how far apart? If no, why not?

This is another major point of contention for many couples, especially if one person wants kids but the other does not. As you talk about this, take the other person at their word - if they say they don’t want kids but you really do, then don’t expect they’ll change their mind after you’re married or that they’ll change because they love you.