When I was engaged, one of the topics at the forefront of my mind was the wedding night. As someone who likes to do her research and prepare, I found there was very little guidance available through my church and Slavic community for Christian couples. We generally don’t talk about physical intimacy, other than to be told not to have sex until you’re married. And when I did hear married women talk about sex and the wedding night, it was about how dissatisfied they were and how they wished it was more talked about.

I want to share what helped me prepare and point you to some Biblically sound resources. I won’t go into details, but I hope the practical advice and resources mentioned in this article will give you some direction and peace of mind in this area as you start your marriage.

If you were a young woman in my local church and we met up for coffee before your wedding, this is what I’d tell you (especially if one or both of you are virgins):

Discuss expectations for the wedding night

This may seem awkward to bring up, but in the month before your wedding, talk about your expectations for how the wedding night is going to go. You don’t need to go into detail, but each of you probably has thought about it and pictured various scenarios, so it’s good to get on the same page.

You’ll learn as you go, but it helps to know how each of you picture the start of this and to be vulnerable in sharing any nervousness or anxiety.

Discuss whether you’re going to have sex the first night. Most couples assume yes, but realistically, you will likely be exhausted after your wedding - emotionally and physically, so you may not be up for having sex for the first time that night. Are you both okay with that happening?

If not, consider planning your wedding day to start later so you can sleep in or end earlier so you’re not arriving home super late. Also consider where you’re staying the first night and if you’re leaving for a honeymoon early the next morning (don’t recommend that - if you can give yourself at least a day or two to recover before jetting off for the honeymoon, that’s ideal!).

If you’re going through premarital counseling, some pastors will cover this in your counseling sessions. Talking about the expectations and logistics ahead of time can take away some of the anxiety, awkwardness and nervousness!

Talk about your sexual past

If one or both of you are not virgins, that needs to be shared, if it has not already. You don’t need to know the details of each other’s past sexual partners, but you need to know if there were other sexual partners.

If you haven’t already, also discuss if either one of you has viewed pornography, read erotica or battled with lust in any way. You don’t have to discuss the details, but you need to know the frequency and what you or him have done about overcoming this sin.

Porn is a destructive mistress in a marriage and can impact a couple’s sex life so if either one or both of you struggle with pornography, be proactive about how you’ll guard your eyes, heart and marriage from this.

Consider how you’ll deal with this issue if it comes up once you’re married. For example, is there a pastor or married couple you can go to for accountability? Are you open to couples counseling or individual therapy? How will you bring this up to each other if you’re struggling with it?

If you’re not sure how to bring this topic up, download our Dating Guide - there’s questions about this included that you can use to start this conversation.

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Learn about sex and how the male and female bodies were created differently to experience pleasure.

This is an issue that comes up often in relationships in various ways: we women expect men to think and behave like us, and men expect that women think and behave like them. But we don’t. It’s the same with sex. For example, for guys, orgasms often happen faster than for women, so if both of you want to achieve orgasm during sex, it may require some patience from him. And what feels good for him, might not be what feels good for you. We recommend this book for the basics.

If there is an older married woman whom you trust and respect, consider asking her to get coffee or ask if you can come over and chat, and ask her if she has any advice for you as a new wife, especially in regards to physical intimacy. Bonus points if you can find a married couple that you both can talk to, guy to guy and woman to woman!

Be wise and selective with where you learn from. The world and the church each have some resources on this that are not so helpful or extreme, so read reviews, get recommendations from people you trust, and filter it all through the lens of the Bible.

Discuss expectations for your sex life & intimacy within your marriage

Our Dating Guide also has questions about this to help you navigate this conversation, but discuss each of your expectations for your sex life and intimacy within your marriage. A few questions to consider:

How often do you expect to have sex?
What if one of you has a significantly higher or lower sex drive than the other person? How will you deal with that?
When 1 Corinthians 7:5 says that a married couple should not deprive each other of sexual intimacy, what do you understand this to mean?
Will you use birth control? If yes, what kind? If no, why not?
Is there anything off the table / out of boundaries when it comes to sex as a married couple?
If either one of you has been sexually active in the past, do you have a history of sexually transmitted diseases?

Normalizing talking about sex openly and honestly from the very beginning, including sharing your expectations and preferences, will help establish a good foundation for your marriage.

If you want more questions to talk about on your honeymoon, check out the Dreaming Together e-book!

Make the necessary preparations

Think ahead about what you’ll need for the wedding night. Being spontaneous is great, but if it is the first time having sex for one or both of you, consider buying water-based lube and maybe having a small washcloth nearby. If you’re a virgin, you may consider having a towel on the bed too in case of bleeding (usually it’s minor!).

If you visualize a specific atmosphere for your first time, plan ahead for that too. For example, will you have candles? Music? Rose petals? Chocolate? If you plan to wear lingerie on your wedding night, prepare that ahead of time too.

Especially if you had lingerie gifted to you at a bridal shower, try it on ahead of your wedding night to make sure it fits you well and that you feel pretty and comfortable in it. If you’ve never worn lingerie before, it may be an adjustment, so try it on a few times before the wedding night.

Note, if you one of you is getting ready in the same place you’ll be coming back to for your first night (e.g., your apartment or hotel room), ask a friend to tidy it up for you after you finish getting ready that morning and before the wedding so you come back to a clean place. Nothing to dampen the mood like leftover breakfast, hairspray and clothes left everywhere!

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Pray about it

This one might seem silly, but it’s probably the most important thing you can do: pray for sex within your marriage. If you have any anxiety or insecurities, take them to God. Sex was created by God, so there is no shame in bringing this part of your relationship to Him and asking for His blessing in this too.

Prepare mentally.

Sex and intimacy are not only physical. Especially for us women, you have to mentally and emotionally prepare to fully be present and enjoy sex. If you’re caught up in a certain insecurity in your body, or you’re extremely nervous, or you’re just thinking about the dishes you still need to wash, that will get in the way of your sex life if you don’t learn how to handle your thoughts and emotions.

For a Christian woman’s perspective on great sex, I recommend this book.

Study together what sex within marriage was created to be by God.

Many young people today, even Christians, get educated on sex, romance and relationships by the world: TikTok, movies, TV shows, ads, friends, social media, etc. Few churches or parents are actually good about teaching young people on what God intends sex to be and the impact it has on a marriage.

Prayerfully open the Bible and study this topic together, and let what you learn overshadow anything the world may have taught you about what sex is. Not only that, but as you start your marriage, study each other and how God created each of you, not only for maximum pleasure during sex, but in all aspects of your relationship.

Remember that you’re likely both beginners in this area. It is okay to not achieve mind blowing sex the first night and keep it up at a perfect level your entire marriage. Intimacy in marriage is a process of learning, discovery and practice.

It’s okay if you can’t figure it out on the first try, or even within the first week or two. Keep communicating and practicing. Be patient, gentle and kind. Try to relax and enjoy it. Manage any expectations you may have based on what you saw, heard, or read (whether good or bad!), and go into it with an open mind and a willingness to be vulnerable and learn together.

Intimacy is so much more than sex - cultivate a friendship, communicate about everything, flirt, give each other grace, say “I love you” every day, seek to serve, and make time for each other.

If you have more questions about preparing for your wedding night, the honeymoon or sex in marriage, I’m happy to jump on a virtual coffee date with you! Book a time to talk below!

Here are some other good resources on this topic: